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In Sea Tea (nct)

It wobbles now. A new wobble. Undisguisable. Over 50, something in the glovebox vibrates. Discomfortable frequency. Or maybe the world is wobbling, not the car?

I must try harder to never become emotionally invested in mechanical things.

Must try harder.

The NCT (National Car Test) Centre is on the East side of the city. It looks quiet and empty when I get there but inside after I hand over the key, I’m pointed to a waiting room that’s nearly full.

It faces the main work area, separated by a thin wall with two big windows. A screen hangs next to one showing road safety tv spots and a changing list of cars as they progress through. “08 G 234 In progress 16 minutes.” A sign says “No recording or photography permitted on this premises”. People watch their cars move slowly from left to right.

Maybe if I’d finished War and Peace I’d have a better car.

A little child drops food on the floor, and his mother cleans it while trying to keep him calm. An older man and woman know each other, and joke about their chariots. “and mine’s 12 minutes now but yours is still ahead.” When the ’97 Toyota Corolla is called I’m surprised it’s his. I was trying to match cars with people. ‘Great car’ he exclaims when it gets the all clear, and he does a tiny dance between the counter and the exit door. I thought my car would be the oldest. But I’m sure it’s the most broken.

The counter’s just off the waiting room and everything can be heard. “Just a visual. Your seat belt won’t retract back.” I visualise a face of disbelief for when I’m summoned. “Astra oh one yeah? Sorry but we can’t let you drive this car- the chassis is rusted away. The tyres are all bald as an egg, there’s a hole in the exhaust, the brakes don’t work, the wiper blades are missing, as are 4th and 5th gear, the indicators are reversed and there’s an inch of water in the boot. She’ll have to be put down. You can say goodbye now if you want.”

I must try harder to never become emotionally invested in mechanical things.

“And your left elbow’s gammy, your neck creaks, your canines protrude, your feet splay, your ear muscles spasm, your hair frays, your motivation crumbles, and you’re a drain on society.”

I move one seat over to let an old man sit on the seat at the end next to his wife. I assume it’s his wife. Maybe they’ve never met before or maybe they’ve just met on Tinder and this is their first date, but they seem like a long-married couple. “You must be waiting awhile” she says. “The seat’s so warm”. They both wish me luck when the Astra is called. “Zero One Opel Astra”

If I’d done Law instead of a BA I’m sure I’d have a better car.

Anyway, my fantasy’s off. I get to drive it away. “Lights. Anti-roll bar bushes and links nearside front worn/damaged. Depth of tire thread less than 1.6mm OffsideRear NearsideRear.

I ask about the wobble. What wobble?

I must try harder to never be emotionally invested in mechanical things.

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Over Loch Fee: Finding Connemara

From up on Garraun you can see out along Renvyle peninsula. Glasilaun, Lettergesh, Mullaghloss, and Tullycross somewhere hidden. Names known since I’ve known names.

Distilled summers of wave on wave, collapsing in rushes, scrambling down grassy slopes. The sea so broad and wide below you can’t take it all in. Or in the other direction, up the bogs, soft soft, following rivers, to the Black lake or the Garden lake over Kylemore or Shanabheag in Currywongan where John Joyce has bees. And winter nights sunk in the soft brokenspringed bed with gales whistling eerie tunes on the thick lumpy gable and the ceaseless roar of the ocean behind and below and inside.

And Mweelrae rising behind Letterettrin, looming over Killary harbour. The Atlantic never far away. Sea salt in the veins of air. I watch a tiny distant car trace along the far side of the lake on the potholed road.

Down there Wilde coined a ‘savage beauty’. A literary tourist’s phrase, now a tag painted so often it crumbles under the layers, like any respectable cliche for its marketibility. A pair of rooks, or ravens, circle overhead, black raggedtipped wings against the tumble of clouds.

Out there on the tip of Rosroe Wittgenstein soaked up harassed solitude, grappling with logic and language games. Only hardy sheep and stubborn buckled trees and acid loving mosses and the creases in a grandmother’s hands.

Right below, Lough Fee, and then a river across the hop skip gap to Lough Muck, all part of the Culfin fisheries. Uncle Jackie won his World Masters fly fishing championship down there with a stump of a brownie from one of those banks. Which bank, I wonder?

Following, chasing, alone up here. What am I chasing? I cannot be what I was. I cannot sieve a soul or reburn a boyhood or strip away layers to uncover some mythical burning core. I am the old roar of ocean and a tumble of fresh cloud.

I stop to sit and look south at Inagh. Cumulus humilis and light leaking across the Bens and Maamturks.

A ewe passes with two following lambs. I take another picture.

I can perhaps, chip away on the latest layer, chisel the texture, scrape some grit into the detail, smudge tone in the shadows.

Already I am hungry and clambering back down to the shore of Fee.

Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Loch Fee, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography

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Cashel Hill: Finding Connemara

I’m hunched down under a little umbrella, my back against a rock face on the mountainside, and through drumming hail sunlight beams from under a turreted and tendrilled bank of Atlantic cloud.

Cold. Fresh. Soft. The loft-frozen pellets hop and bounce down the rock face. Pile into little lines and bumps and begin to whiten the ruddy earth. Bounce and hop but then suddenly seem to turn weightless, replaced by scattering petals of snow. Colder still. And then traditional rain joins in, heavy and steady and wet and I crouch deeper under the little flapping shelter.

Fickle winter weather, and a churning mess of cloudmass from the west in slow waves. I came up from the church car park, up the steep pitch of narrow road to the old graveyard. There the exposed hillside tombstones rest on a much older formation, old enough to be the area’s namesake. This is Cashel, from the Gaeilge An Caiseal, a name for a ringfort. These would have been built in the bronze age, which goes back some 3000 years. But this ringfort now sits under the high Cashel graveyard. Clumps of unmarked stumps mingle with rectangular marble and granite slabs and plastic flowers and crosses and bordered beds of gravel.

I notice a tall narrow headstone with a different style

Coleman Nee
Ireland
PVT 103 Infantry
World War I
May 9 1894
January 26 1970

A full run of 20th Century carnage: in a weathered Connemara hillside graveyard built in a weathered 3000 year old fort, lies a Nee who fought in the American army, probably on some blood and mud dug trench in France in the Great war, during which Ireland itself kicked off an uprising against British rule.

3000 years of cloudchurn and yet so quiet and unperturbed. A herd of small sheep with red and blue markings line up behind a gate watching me in hope of feed. An abandoned big house half submerged in a copse of leafless trees. A line of electricity poles lead from its gable back down the hill, the wires long gone: must have been in use after electricity arrived here in the 1950s. Here is a land with abandonment sewn into its definition. More goings than comings. As basic as the acidic soil where the roots of civilising crops are loathe to tunnel. Leave it to the mosses and grasses and layers of sodden peat. Here lies ties to centuries of roaming and fighting and big thick lines being drawn and redrawn on history maps. And yet just a flock of sheep chewing and staring at a gate under Cashel hill.

Higher up, I think about turning back, but the sun pops out again, and I clamber to the summit. It’s not high, just a little over 300m, but is unobscured and panoramic. Straight east huddle the basket of Bens and south of them over the Inagh valley and Recess, the broad Maamturks, and then beyond that Maam, Derroura, Oughterard, and the Corrib. Lakes pocket the bog. Dense conifer plantations in dark green patches. The higher peaks are dusted white, and over them all a canopy of shifting clouds spilling hail, rain, snow. You can make out distant blades of Cloosh wind mills spinning a little more west, and as you spin further that way, the flatter fragmented bogs and scattered houses of gaelic south connemara, from Carna down to Lettermore, Gorumna, and Carraroe and then on towards Galway, hidden now by cloud or slope or both.

Still turning, now facing into the sun as it approaches the Atlantic lid somewhere over the Aran Islands. Just below, the sea negotiates a series of complex bays and inlets. There’s something Escher-like about the one and the other. Perhaps the bog is the bay and the bay the bog? The ocean is boundary, limit, barrier, but yet passage, potential, murky and laden. Further north, the other lonely sisterpeak of Errisbeg over Roundstone, and past that the clouds sitting thicker and opaque. Another band rolling in.

The wind is howling again and flecks of new hail begin to patter, even while light still pours. There’s no scrap of shelter here, so I don’t wait beyond trying to stick something of the place into a digital sensor. Snappity snap. Then I flee back down towards the sheltered slopes and crouch under another rock face when the soup gets thick. The umbrella buckles. A dial cover is missing from the camera. Losses. I track back down by the graveyard and its layers of stones and story and down the hill to the car across from the church. Its wipers have been acting up, but they twitch into life now first time, and I pull out onto the road for home.

Why climb a hill at all? There might be a point. There might not. Is it not all self serving in the end, and the self not a thing at all?

“We’ll climb that hill, no matter how high, when we get up to it.”

Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Cashel, Cashel Hill, Connemara, Conamara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography

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Photos: Furbo Beach and Coast

Winter still on duty:
Drops dusk early
Provokes depressions to jostle over the Atlantic
And this one brings fierce hail,
Stinging along the coast

I run
For poor shelter under wavebashed rock
Scattering sea birds
Into jolted gale-hung grace
And me, jolted but clumsy,
staring at waves,
Intruding.

Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography
Atlantic photos, Furbo, Connemara, Galway, Ireland, Donal Kelly Photography

Beach and coast at Furbo, January 2018.

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Photoessay: 100 Paces of Roadside Rubbish

It’s early January, and 2018 is still shiny and new and cold, and I pull in 5 miles from Clifden to get a photo of some mounds of gravel that have been piled up by the N59.

I’m hoping to get something that is Connemara but not cliché, something that I can’t visualise, something I’m not even looking for. I’m trying to see in a new way, you know, just another new-year go at giving life a kick up the rump to see if a gear takes. Feels like the clutch has been stuck all the way in, melting and grinding away, for a long stretch.

I snap the mounds, and then wait for a van to pass to record that too, diligent accumulator of slices of reality. The morning was bright but the afternoon is dull, and hovering around 0 Celsius.

100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography

On the way back to the car I see a plastic bottle, half submerged in the mossy earth. Here on the bend there is some flat space on each side of the road. On the other side are the mounds of gravel. On this one a marshy shoulder leading into a rising ridge of stone, where a car can’t pull in. But it can certainly roll down a window, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, and fling out a snot of rubbish, and roll it back up, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, without skipping a pistonbeat.

The ground and its ecosystems are normally very keen on the discards of the passings of lumbering creatures. It rots them into its bosom, breaks them down, savours any organic compounds to build and rebuild itself. Nothing is wasted, so nothing is waste. A thriving economy of basic materials.

But these materials, these plastics, these metal foils, these quick-bought quick-used quick-discarded spoils, they do not melt back into the ground. They resist, their long chains of compounds too tough and too toxic.

Instead, they slowly sink down into the soil, unusable obstacles to be grown over and around.

Good old polyethylene terephthalate: cooked from the soups of oil sucked/fracked from the guts of the planet.

I walk from the car along the roadside as far as a broken branch from which hangs a fast food meal bag. 100 paces or so.

How much junk would you find along 100 paces or so of the N59, thrown from the windows of passing cars?

I start to look more carefully, to see what I can see. And every time I look, I find more. More cartons and bottles, more fast food wrappers, tins and glass, car parts and coffee cup lids, gloves, clothes hangers, sun cream bottles, a pregnancy test box, and a set of spectacles left balanced on a bottle stuck into the gravel.

These are the marks of our passings.

From a distance, there is nothing here but bog and a ridge cut into the bank, under the loom of the twelve Bens, and the N59 snaking along over Ballynahinch lake.

But up close, if you look, are layers of rottable and unrottable rubbish, flung from our day trips, commutes, visits, and shopping errands. We do not see, when the window buzzes down, that we are not merely silently cleaning out car kingdoms into eager emptiness, but are instead adding to mounds of junk that line our passings. On one hand we might sell to strangers the beauty of the wild and rugged landscape, while the other is tossing wrappers out into it, where it will lie for centuries to come.

100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
100 paces of rubbish, N59, Connemara, Ireland, Donal Kelly photography

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Short Story: Follow Me

Suddenly Sam found himself sitting at the next table to Sam.

To be more clear, Sam McKenna suddenly realised that he was sitting at a table next to a table where Sam McKenna sat.

To be clearer still, here we had Sam McKenna, one of Mallow & Hanly’s least known accounts technicians, picking a seat in a corner of the Chromatica café on Bridge Street, sitting there checking his phone and the menu for the length of half a song, before noticing that the guy at the table next to him, with a strikingly pretty girl wearing her blonde hair in a tight bun, was definitely Sam McKenna: actor, artist, former athlete, writer, lifestyle guru, brand ambassador, and social media influence guru.

This had, on Sam the first, an immediate and pronounced effect. His body performed a series of little shivers and his heart rate abruptly accelerated. On Sam the second, no notice was apparent, and his conversation with the girl flowed on.

“And what I always found was that they treated McMurdo like a holiday rather than an expedition, but I don’t really get that. At all.”

This stark asymmetry of notice was also immediately absorbed by Sam the first and not at all by Sam the second. Sam the first strained to pull back his focus to the ordering of a green tea and a vegetarian wrap from the waiter who suddenly sidled up.

But when the waiter drifted off again, he couldn’t help but indulge hyperawareness, metallic and cold and heavy. He pulled up Instagram on his phone and began to flick through the latest pictures, expecting and then finding it: a morning contribution from @adventuresOfSammyM entitled “Monday = Leg Day. #bringtheburn”.

@adventuresOfSammyM, whose subject/curator sat at the next table, currently had 13K followers, dwarfing his own @samMckenna404 and its puny 109, most of whom he knew by real name. They had created accounts at around the same time, but over this two years or so, @adventuresOfSammyM had added, on average 18 new followers per day. @samMckenna404 had managed 0.15.

@samMckenna404 had been following @adventuresOfSammyM for over half of this period, and in the beginning had ‘liked’ each photo, even commented, but had since stopped. Yet he rarely failed to see them, and they rarely failed to have some effect. His attention, for good or bad, called on the algorithm to slide them up, alarm-call beacons of a different life.

An external observer might have classed it as a needless habit of self-inflicted mini doses of torture. @samMckenna404 sometimes did see it as a joke, played by the universe, with him as the butt. This unsettled him in two ways. One, that the universe might be of a form that played jokes on people, and two, that it would choose to make him the butt of such an aimless one.

In truth he generally felt more than he thought when it came to having a reasonably well known domestic celebrity share his name, and in the main these feelings were a lumpy mix of helplessness, fatalism, speckled greys on a bloom of blue, never feeding into logical thought. He had wished for a different name, but when he once got angry with his mother over it, she had no idea where he was coming from.

“But you could see that it wasn’t going to happen if the American investors pulled out, so I went over there to get some real space in the scene and get it really moving.”

At one table a Sam was explaining how his first book project got an international publisher despite him being from an ‘invisible corner of the planet, no offense’ and at the next a lesser known Sam was discreetly taking notes. It had dawned on him that this was an important moment, one that could be a make-or-break event with genuine consequences. So he scribbled on a notebook with page held open against the clear glass of tea that had silently arrived.

“Haircut (good barber) €30?”

“Gym need 3kg+ MUSCLE”

Every so often he made as subtle a sideways glance as he could manage at the other Sam and the girl. She looked like a model, with delicate makeup, darkly edged eyes, wide lips, sipping a flat white. He was eating his crepe with arms by his side and shirt sleeves neatly rolled up above his elbows and at the same time between chews and swallows chatted industriously.

@samMckenna404 tried to listen in without leaning over.

“Well I’d say it’s more stubbornness you know? If you know you have to get up and do it you will. Don’t even make it a choice.”

@samMckenna404 scribbled additions to his list.

“GET UP! 7am (gym)”

“No crap food.”

“And a day is so short really when you think about it, you have to make each one count, be ready to switch over to something else, always”

“POSTURE” no shoulder sag

“1 chapter of good book p/day”

“It takes a while to find the style that works, but you can always try something new. delete what doesn’t work- should always be tight you know?”

“Delete shit posts/OLD stuff”

“But you know, I could take it or leave it. It’s so much hassle. But I feel like I have to keep it turning. Keep building something.”

“Build website”

@samMckenna404 had gone through overlapping phases in his opinion of @adventuresOfSammyM. In the beginning there was a sense of fresh possibility, where his name, his location, his narrow neck of the wide world, weren’t barriers, weren’t fundamentally inconsistent with a future as a man of the globe.

He liked every post. He commented. He looked up the Wikipedia page and bought the book and noticed mentions in weekend newspaper supplements or TV special interest spots. One or two of his friends would joke and jibe each time that he was in the news again.

But slowly slowly, like the leaves of a tree, off a tree, sparks of possibility and anticipation split at their stems and fell fluttering, specks of disappointment, accumulating into a layer of stubborn soil. The successes, the holiday snaps, the beautiful casually effortless sunlit globe trotting life possessing hand-to-the-sky fly by embraces of existence…. he began to resent. He couldn’t help but drift into visions of two roads diverging in a wild wood, with two Sams taking different paths, and now…

“Let’s just book a flight anyway and hopefully it’ll happen.”

@samMckenna404 was feeling pretty good right now, having filled two pages with his list of change and plan. Many paths break off in the wild wood, and this was another, a new beginning. Today only dictated where he started from, not where he could get to. He began to formulate another plan. He thought, wouldn’t it be good to explain to Sam that he too was Sam, from the same town, and almost the same age ( a little longer of tooth). That would be a real connection. A bond even. A useful root.

All it would take- a sentence or two, the right spacing between the words. No desperation, no neediness, as though he had suddenly noticed for the first time and was totally cool about it, totally cool with it either way, if it happened to exist or not, totally chill in a sea of calm.

Yes, he thought. I will. I can. Nothing to lose. He closed his notebook. Took a drink of tea. Looked at the phone.

The blonde girl suddenly began to rise.

“Gotta go to the loo, back in a tick.”

“Ok babe.”

Sam the first froze. Waited. But now was the time. he began to turn.

But Sam the second was holding his phone in front of his face, coffee cup up in the other hand, taking pictures. Sam the first tried to read the brand of the watch and waited. Sam the second seemed unhappy with the angle and began to try different ones, then took several photos of the table. He moved the girl’s half-empty cup closer to his own. Sam the first waited. Eventually it seemed to be finish. Now Sam the first turned further over.

But the waiter had appeared at the other table and had made eye contact.

“Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say hi. I’m a big fan. I have your book, it’s great.”

“Ah, no worries man, glad you like it. Looks like you’ve been putting it into practice. You go to a gym round here?”

“Yeah, yeah, the Basement gym… I’ve been trying to bulk up a bit lately but will but start cutting again in a few weeks.”

“Good stuff, not easy.”

There was a pause.

“Well, great to meet you, lovely food here, real coffee. will be in again next time I’m in town.”

“Nice one, thanks a lot.”

The waiter realised that the blonde girl was standing behind him.

“Oh, sorry!” he said. “I’ll just get these.”

He lifted the plate of the table and sidled off. The blonde girl smiled and sat down.

Sam the first was caught in his half turn, body twisted left, eyes tilted right, seeing the waiter and Sam and the girl and now caught flat footed trying to recalculate a route.

One of your fans!” laughed the girl.

“Yeah, nice guy.”

Now Sam the second lowered his voice.

“But it’s gotten so bad lately. I mean, what do they want really? I know it’s nice but you feel so… watched. Even when I’m back at home.”

The girl kept smiling.

“That’s just the way it works, right?”

“Yeah, but there’s a time and place you know. They all seem to think they’re the first to… I mean, what can I give them? I put myself out there, for what? “

“But you know the score right? I mean, you play the game no? You… this is what you do right?”

@adventuresOfSammyM looked across at the blonde girl and made an affected dropping sigh, then gazed out at the street.

“Ok, we should go.”

@samMckenna404 swivelled back around to face his own table and looked at his phone again. He watched them get up and gather their shopping bags and pay at the counter and leave a tip with a smile (the girl at the counter laughed at something Sam said) and push the door out into the street.

He sat and looked through the window and the people passing outside. They were dark indistinct shapes and all with their own unique strides, gaits, cuts of jib. An old lady pushing a walker. A group of teenage guys. Two laughing girls. A jogger and then another jogger and a man on a bike with flashing lights and a woman pushing a baby kart with paper shopping bags hanging off it.

Now @samMckenna404 was the only Sam again. He opened his notebook, and began to doodle around the notes he had written, then over them. He wrote “I am Sam” at the bottom of the page. Then he marked out “Sam” and wrote “Me”. “I am Me”. Then he opened Instagram and went to the @adventuresOfSammyM account. There was a new post. A Sam leaning back into a cafe chair with coffee. “Can’t beat catching up with my home town! Love this place! #hometown #timeout”

@samMckenna404 hit “Unfollow”, and felt a little more free and a little more alone.

THE END

Is it done? Finished? Who knows... I change, tweak, update, tinker. And it feels like such a small thing. Just a few minutes of effort. A wren flying from one twig to another. A sideways glance, peripheral, and the machine so glut-full of ownership, elsewhere. I'm listening to songs by going through TOP 50 2017 lists and know so few, so few. And each time I wonder what paths in the wild woods they stepped on or off, and if you knew now could you have known then?

I imagined a chance encounter, and a shared name, to show up the asymmetry between one end of the FOLLOW ME market and the other.

The content of celebrity is anonymous attention, mediated by waves of technology. The relationship is one of access and distance. A telescope into other lives during lunch breaks. I imagined some moment of progress, a challenge, maybe an unfollow. But is it done? Can I finish it? Anything?

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Short Story: Swim Swim

701-9 Test 3028. 2017-12-15. 16:22.

Click. swing. Light up. Foodbody? Grabbody. Grabbody smell.

Grab grab. Grab grab go. Up up. Smell loud. Body loud. Away away. Over. Grab grab. Down. Ear loud. Down.

Splash splash. Grab go. Grabbody smell. Swim swim. Swim swim. Light loud. Sound sound. Swim swim. Whir.

No panic no panic. Swim swim. Foot good. See shape. Go shape. Same same. Swim swim.

No panic no panic. Swim swim. Feet ok. Belly ok. Heat ok. Ok ok.

Otherbody? No otherbody. See see. Grabbody up. Up up. Spin around. No. Swim swim.

Foot scrape. Up up? No foot. Swim swim. Foot scrape. Up? No. Swim swim.

Foot ok. Belly ok. Heat ok. No panic.

Foot scrape. Swim swim. Round. Grabbody smell. Grabbody go. Swim swim.

Round swim. Foot scrape swim. Swim swim. Grabbody swim. Heat ok. Swim swim.

Foot scrape. No foot. Swim swim. No foot. Swim foot. Heat ok. Swim foot.

Swim swim. Round swim. Grabbody see. Away swim. Away away.

Belly ok. Heat no. Up up. Foot scrape. Foot loud. Foot stop? Swim swim.

Foot stop? Swim swim. Foot scrape. No foot. Loud loud. Away away.

Swim swim. No foot. Loud foot. See shape. Same same. Go go. Swim swim.

Swim foot. Loud loud. Swim swim. Loud loud. Swim. Belly loud. Swim swim.

Foot loud. Swim. Belly loud . Swim. No otherbody. Swim. No otherbody smell loud. Swim swim.

Why no foot? Swim. Foot loud. Heat loud. Loud loud. Stop stop? Swim swim.

Foot swim loud swim. Foot swim loud swim. Scrape swim loud swim foot swim swim loud swim see swim loud loud.

No otherbody swim why? Swim loud swim belly swim scrape swim scrape swim scrape swim foot loud swim belly swim loud swim loud loud swim stop stop? Loud loud loud.

Stop swim? stop swim? same same swim no otherbody swim no swim no swim why swim Grabbody smell swim why no otherbody swim no smell swim no smell loud.

Swim no smell no otherbody smell foot lost belly loud foot loud no otherbody smell loud no smell loud stop stop swim swim stop swim.

Stop swim stop swim stop stop swim stop swim stop swim swim.

No otherbody smell stop no why swim stop swim stop stop swim stop.

swim stop stop swim stop swim swim stop stop swim stop stop swim stop swim stop stop swim swim swim stop swim stop stop stop stop swim stop stop swim.

No otherbody stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.

Foot stop scrape stop belly stop no otherbody smell stop grabbody stop see stop swim stop grab stop smell stop away stop.

stop stopstop.

stop.

701-14 Test 3029. 2017-12-15. 16:46.

Click loud. Foodbody foodbody. Grab grab Grabbody. Smell loud. Up up. Grab grab. Smell loud. Down.

Grab grab stop. See grabbody. Food? Food smell. Gobble gobble. Smell smell. New smell. Food smell grabbody smell new smell. No panic. New smell.

Grab grab. Up up. Grabbody smell. Foodbody smell. Down.

Splash splash. Swim swim. Grab gone. Ear loud. Air loud. Up up.

Swim swim. No panic. Swim swim. Up up.

Heat ok. Body ok. Ok ok. Ok ok. Foot ok. Ok ok. Swim foot. Belly ok. New smell.

Swim swim. Light. New smell. Swim swim. Foot swim. See shape. Swim shape. Grabbody foodbody.

Foot scrape. no foot. Swim swim. Foot scrape. No foot. Swim swim. Foot scrape. No foot. Swim swim. Round swim.

No foot. Foot swim. No smell. New smell. No foot. Swim swim. Ear loud.

See shape foot scrape no foot foot scrape round round no smell new smell.

No panic ok ok. Foot ok. Belly ok. No panic see shape. No smell no panic new smell.

See grabbody.. Foodbody. Swim swim. Swim first. No foot. Scrape scrape. Ear loud.

ROund round. Swim swim. grabbody. No grabbody. Grabbody. No grabbody., Scrape swim scrape swim.

Swim swim. No panic. Heat ok. Foot ok. Air ok. Heat ok. Air ok. Belly ok. Swim swim.

Light loud. New smell. Grabbody gone. See shape. Same same. Swim swim.

See shape. Swim swim. Grabbody. New smell. Round round. Foodbody? grabbody. Swim swim.

Swim shape. Round scrape swim loud ear loud swim shape round scrape swim swim.

Light loud ear loud no panic ok ok.

Air ok. Belly ok. Heat ok. See shape. New smell.

Swim swim. Round swim. New smell swim. Foot ok swim. No foot swim.

No foot swim. Air up swim. Swim first swim. Ok ok swim.

Swim swim. Scrape swim. Round swim. See swim. Ear loud swim. Belly ok swim.

Round swim. Ear loud swim. Light swim. Food swim? No food swim. Swim first swim.

New smell swim. Grabbody away swim. Grabbody food swim? Foodbody grab swim?

Light loud swim. No foot swim. No foot no foot swim. Swim swim.

Swim. Ear loud new smell swim.

No food swim. Belly ok swim. Air ok swim. Swim swim swim.

No panic swim. Foot scrape no foot round round swim.

Grabbody swim No grabbody swim. Foot scrape no foot swim.

No panic swim. New smell old smell swim.

Old smell swim. Ear loud old smell swim.

Light round scrape old smell air up swim.

No scrape swim scrape swim. scrape.

Air up swim. Foot loud swim.

Foot loud. Swim swim.

Oldmsell swim. Foot loud swim.

Swim swim. No panic swim.

Earloud nofood Grabbody gone oldsmell swim.

Swim smell oldsmell swim. Foot loud swim. Belly ok swim.

Body ok swim. Foot loud swim. No panic swim.

Foot scrape round scrape round swim.

Grabbody gone foot scrape no foot body loud foot loud ear loud swim.

Swim swim.

Foot loud.

Swim swim.

No foot.

Swim swim.

Oldsmell footloud no foot earloud.

Swim swim.

Round swim.

Air loud. Swim.

Foot loud air loud.

Swim swim.

Air loud foot loud body loud heat loud swim swim swim.

Swim swim swim.

Swim.

Round foot Grabbody foodgone no panic swim food loud air loud ear foot swim loud oldsmell new smell.

Swim swim.

Swim loud.

Loud loud.

Swim swim.

Loud loud.

Foor loud airloud swim.

Swim swim.

Stop?

Stop.

************************************************************************

“Remarkable.”

Avril plucked the soggy limp mouse from the clear plexiglass cylinder.

“Just remarkable.”

Denis turned from the computer on the other workstation.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“This new one. The Impco batch. The 621. 3 micrograms. 12 minutes.”

He spun his chair to face Avril.

“12 minutes. Really? Did you do a marker test”

“6 minutes.”

“Wow. That’s great. That’s the first jump from the new batch.”

“Yeah, I was losing my mind running all of these.”

“Has to be done. Where the funding goes, we follow.”

“Yeah but what they call experimental, I call random. But this 621 one. Different level.”

“12 minutes is great.”

“Finally, yeah it’s… oh”

“Oh?” Denis pushed his office chair so that it rolled across the lab.

“I think it’s dead.”

“Oh.”

“That’s a pity.”

“Yeah…. But 12 minutes. Try it again?”

“Of course. Can you grab me another?”

“Sure. Which ones are ready?”

“Any of the 701 ones. Just let me mark this up”

Avril carried 701-14 as its soft fur dried in the warmth within the grip of her gloves. She carefully wrapped its tiny limp body in a sheet of light tissue, then put it into a sealable plastic bag, and walked down to end of the lab to leave it in the disposal freezer.

THE END

The forced Mouse Swim Test, or Behavioural Despair test, is a test used for some drugs such as antidepressants. A rodent, normally a mouse, is forced to swim in a cylinder from which it cannot escape. The time that the mouse spends not trying to get out, and just keeps its head above water, is the key metric. At this stage, the mouse has given up trying to get out. It doesn't drown, not normally anyhow, as because mice are so small and light, and given their shape and the air in their lungs, they can basically float - at least in a lab environment.

You can watch, if you like, a swim test example on the youtub here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s3o5UFThyo

I wanted to try imagine what a mouse's mental experience might feel like, during the test, transposed into more human language.

Then I wanted to jump out to the lab, and a team of scientists running tests ad infinitum, with a parallel to what the mice go through, maybe.

Posted on

Photos: Snow, Oughterard, December 2017

The last ‘proper’ snow here was back in 2010/2011, when things got real cold, as low as -15, and pipes were splitting up and down the country. In Ireland we basically call society off when it goes below -5. Most of us have never seen a snow plough, or snow shoes, or know what snow chains are or how to put them on. What we have is extensive 24 hour reporting and one topic of conversation. We promise we’ll learn all about stuff so we’ll be prepared next time, and then we forget once it melts into brown slush and settle back into moaning about the mild rain.

After a mild autumn this year, the white stuff was suddenly back on the menu after some thick showers snuck in during a cold snap in early December.

I drove up the Shannapheasteen road until the Astra got stuck, wheels spinning in second gear on a bend. I reversed/slid back down to a junction, and went for a hike.

Turns out hiking in snow is awkward. Especially when the it’s on a bog and the bog has big holes in it and slopes up. My boot slipped and I dipped the camera down. It came up white. Crap. Wipe wipe wipe. Two minutes later I did it again. Learn: use the tripod as a walking stick and put the camera in the bag while going up a slope. I still managed to do a third time.

When I got back to the car, a tractor was helping a couple get up the road where I had parked. I was, er, slightly blocking the road. Sorry.

Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Snow Connemara Conamara 2017, Galway Ireland, Donal Kelly photography
Posted on

Short story: Crow Riders

Gusto was only back for the weekend. I met him on Friday afternoon and again in a pub on Saturday.

It was December and there was a cold snap, with snow on the hills and scattered along the edges of roads. People marvelled about how one field was pure white and the next one wasn’t.

Galway city was dressed in Christmas lights and brightly decorated window displays that shone out against the early nights.

Gusto was already there, and it turned out his uncle had come too. Two uncles in fact, and a cousin: they had all come over from London. It was Gusto’s first trip back since he left but he seemed the same, engaging, and projecting easy confidence. An extrovert with introverting aspirations, he could sell ice to Eskimos but was a creature of habit. I on the other hand would routinely fail to make even the simplest of phone calls, but would seek to wander down streets I had never been.

They were round a table in the back of the gastropub and one uncle was telling stories. Gusto had told me that he was a businessman who part-owned a chain of restaurants.

I pulled up a stool as the uncle described a wealthy businessman friend of his.

“It’s not about the money. Not at that level. It’s about the deal then, it’s about making that deal- that’s the motivation, not the money.”

To me, it had been a long year. Yet at the same time it seemed like each season was a cloth pulled quick from under dishes – a party trick. Except the trick never works, not in my rendition. The dishes fall and shatter, and only the table remains, smug and bare, every time. Oh dear. I was in, what I call, a trough. A trough, or the trough? Hard to say.

“Brian’s a programmer,” Gusto was telling his uncle. “But he’s taking a break.” “But he could get a job anywhere.” I could see a move-to-London vibe rising.

“Ah I’ll figure it out soon. Did ye order food?”

“I thought that there was a lot of IT work in Ireland. Maybe it’s all in Dublin?”

“Oh, but right now he’s writing jokes. Tell us one of your jokes B”

I hadn’t been writing jokes, not exactly, but I’d been thinking a lot about where jokes come from, and how people can suddenly come up with them at all. Take a joke like “Why did the fish blush? Because the sea-weed” and apply the format to something else.

“Oh, I’m not really writing jokes” I said. “I’m just watching a lot of standup on YouTube. I like to think about how jokes work, like, how they mess with your expectations of language or life.”

“But you wrote some no?”

“Well, I guess, but they’re dumb”

“Go on. Try one.”

“Ok so. Why did the mountain worship the sky?”

“Why”

“Because it rained

Groans from around the table.

“Why was the mechanic afraid to order the parts?”

Silence.

“They were wheel nuts.

“Maybe stick to the day job,” laughed one of the uncles.

The stories resumed. Gusto’s uncle began telling us about some Saudi businessmen.

“So they’re opening this massive new building, you know, the Burj Kalifa. And they plan a huge fireworks display. And one of the investors, he sees this big apartment block, 22 floors, that has the only clear view, to the side where the fireworks will be. So he buys it, the whole block. And he gets a designer, a brand, like Gucci, or, you know, Louis Vuitton, to kit out each floor. Each brand kits out one floor. And that’s just to watch the fireworks for the opening. 22 floors.”

I was thinking that Galway now seemed tiny, squashed, bounded on the poor coast by wild sea and back roads that cracked across the middle as they sunk into bog, all under unfolding layers of bad weather.

The pub was quiet. It was still early. Christmas parties would stream in later on, and Christmas jumper drinking sessions. The menus had changed, and the waitress told us there was new management. She’d been there since I had worked nearby the year before.

Stories continued. I didn’t have much to offer.

“So, Brian, what else have you been up to lately?”

“Um, well, I’ve been busy, but, I’m not sure at what, exactly. Stuff. You know, not much structure.”

I tried to think of something to add. I remembered something that happened the day before at home.

“I had an interesting experience yesterday” I tried.

“Yeah? What happened?”

A space opened up just then.

“Very little, I mean, nothing dramatic, but I thought it was interesting”

The space was still there.

“Well, I was indoors for the morning, for a few hours at the computer, and it was cold, and I needed a break. You know, I was feeling a bit crap.”

Maybe too much, but I didn’t tell them about the trough, or how deep or steep or strange it could be.

“So I just went outside and walked a lap around the house to get some air, just before it got too dark to see. And as I walked round the back, a bunch of crows came flying over, over the trees and the back garden.”

They must have wondered where I’m going. A scattering of crows? Where was I going?

“And I just throw my hand up at them, like I’m throwing something.”

It didn’t seem like much of a story now. They were looking and I soldiered on.

“And the crows react. They suddenly spread out, then back in, but it’s so, seamless. It’s like they move before I do, or at the same time, and it makes me realise how, connected everything is, like it’s not not that this happens then this happens, but that everything is happening at once, and it all moves along as, as one.”

Silence.

“Sounds like you’re a buddhist now” says Gusto, smiling. “Zen.”

“What happened then?” asks the cousin.

“Oh, nothing,” I said. “I mean, the crows are already gone. They fly over the garden and the trees and come back in close together, like nothing happened. It just made me feel better, all of a sudden. Like I’d been plugged back in. Nothing dramatic.”

Now I wondered why the hell that moment came to me when I ransacked my brain. It always throws up random stuff.

The conversation bubbled on. The chatty uncle told us about high interest rates in Iran, and how princes in Dubai will spend $500,000 to get a number 1 plate to make their gold-tinted supercar stand out (because you can’t actually buy a car that will stand out no matter what you spend), and how burgers are more expensive in Galway than London, and how a multi-millionaire he knows will still work with a labourer shovelling or cleaning sometimes, or spend hours haggling to get things like toilet paper for a few pennies less.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about a way to live.”

“Maybe it’s like a backstage rider for a band” I tried. “Like Van Halen only wanting brown M&Ms so that they could check if the promoters actually read the contract. Like, its strategic really. Even if you don’t understand- some things are supposed to make no sense.”

I ordered dessert and ate dessert and the pub slowly filled and loudened. There was a decision to move to the city centre. Suddenly everyone began to stand.

When I went to the bar to pay, Gusto and his uncle began to happily argue about who should get the bill. Gusto eventually paid, and paid for all of us. I’d taken my wallet out and stood uselessly behind him, defenseless.

“Come to London, man. You can get a job there easy.”

THE END


Written by Donal Kelly, December 2017.

The crows thing happened last week, or maybe the week before. It stuck in my sieve-brain, though it only lasted a few seconds. Nothing dramatic.

The stories about rich Saudi princes were indeed told, in a pub, but in a slightly different setting. I don't know if they are true or not.

I did make up those jokes, probably while driving, but they surely already exist.

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Song: Born Willing

Born willing, fire inside,
Voice wailing “I’m alive”
Torn silence, punctured peace
Time feeling ill at ease

Bruised knuckles, bloody knees
Some learning never heals
Pied pipers peddle lies
Plastic halos, hiding eyes

Born willing, every morn
More able, more torn
You count up, or count down
Same story, different town

Warm bodies, colder parts
Winter ice in summer hearts
Born willing, smoke and shine
Stay with me down the line

We are born willing, eager, with our tiny voices wailing, and a fire lit inside. Conatus online. And maybe too every morning, we wake that way, back to the basics, with a load of coal thrown into the firebox, and bellows blowing air to the flames.

But are heckled by time, harassed by our becomings, tossed up by whatever sea we swim. It's not easy to stay hungry. It's not easy to stay open.

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Something special: Tokyo Story’s cinematography

I compiled a small gallery of stills from the 1953 Yasujirō Ozu film, Tokyo Story.

I simply took screenshots when the camera stayed put on some detail or setting, free from dialogue.

These shots are simply but beautifully framed and together would not be out of place as a photobook or exhibition.

The cinematography of this film is something special. The camera moves once only, in a scene in Ueno park where the elderly couple who have made a long trip to Tokyo essentially hang out because they have nowhere to go. Their adult children are too absorbed and too busy.

Every other shot is static. The camera lingers on the simplest of things: trains passing, smoke rising from stacks, rooftops dropping down towards a harbour.

Every frame is carefully chosen, and in each the world is given freedom to move. The plot is not hauled along at every step. It emerges as one aspect of the film, slightly disengaged, unhurried, naturally, profound. We get to settle into the sights and sounds of the city as we learn about the family of characters and their stories. We see lanterns bob in a breeze and hung clothes flap dry.

By the end of the film you are comfortable in this busy 1950’s Japan. The abominable war is very recent memory and a great rush is underway to industrialise. It strains traditional rhythms of living. Children grow distant in absorbing city lives defined by work and its roles. Parents that aimed at traditional status question the value of their efforts. Now they are old, they protest at their own inconvenience.

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

Do we not resonate with this? We live in another age where each generation leapfrogs its previous, and we buy into ideals of each being both the lead character and director. And then we inevitably end up being leapfrogged ourselves. So it goes.

How many films are brave enough to let a shot linger on an entire train rumbling by, or reveal to us that the changes of life are by their nature, inevitable and disappointing. We grow up, we grow apart, we fail, disappoint, and regret. It is not so simple as spotting good guys and bad guys and expectorating justice as the plot rumbles in a straight line to a finish line. There is no checkered flag.

Kyoko:

Isn’t life disappointing?

Noriko:

Yes, it is.

The camera is normally low but sometimes peers out of windows down at a passing train, sometimes at eye level looking up at the steel infrastructure of progress. Edges of buildings and rooftops anchor compositions. Strong lighting creates a sense of depth and drama. There is an incredible consistency and realism.

Both photographic and filmic, the camera stops but elements of the scene move. This movement is often in a particular plane, such as a little group moving diagonally past a school, a group of students crossing a hallway, or a bus passing between buildings in the middle distance.

Locations are repeated, building up a familiarity and setting scenes in a contemplative mood. The same rooftops, the same harbour: but if you look closely you can see that the light has changed, and the sun has moved. However, the same line of clothes might be blowing on the line.

It is interesting to consider how these long static shots affect the pacing. If one or two were used, they might disrupt the flow, as the viewer would read a lot of significance into the act. “Why is the camera staring at this? Is it part of the plot?” But when established early on the pace becomes clear and the effect meditative. The viewer does not scramble to tie the shot into the plot. There is a careful minimalism at play, and a visual progression that could stand as an independent documentary photographic project. There is also something of Monet’s haystacks or Notre Dames paintings, of impressions of light on the same subject at different times.

Tokyo Story stills:

Cinematographer: Yūharu Atsuta
Director: Yasujirō Ozu
Writers: Kōgo Noda and Yasujirō Ozu
Released: 1953

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Song: Cutouts

In the winter of the will where we have parked,
There are new words dealing in the dark,
Out you go – all you know.
In the time spun off the clock where we are sinking,
There are distant pretty eyes and now they’re winking,
From the shore – out you go.

There are cardboard cutouts of your dreams,
They’re getting soaked and called obscene.
There are straw men carrying your ideals,
Into the fire, burning off the wheels.

In the solace of a cave where we have stored,
All the love stories we were ever told,
Take a page – calm the rage.
In the broken transportation to the coast,
Simultaneous we sit around and boast,
On the stage – take a page.

That there are cardboard cutouts of our dreams,
They’re getting soaked and called obscene.
And there are straw men carrying our ideals,
Into the fire, burning off the wheels.

Oh my my my my my my
Oh my my my my my

In the winter of the will where we were resting,
There are people and they say they’re only testing,
Out their lines, just all the time.
At the beaches there are teachers of the sea,
But the sea doesn’t give a damn about me,
Out I go – All I know.

And there are cardboard cutouts of my dreams,
Getting soaked, called obscene.
There are straw men carrying my ideals,
Into the fires, burning off their wheels.

Oh my my my my my
Oh my my my my

It seems that we are more engaged in tearing down than building up, more prone to outrage than empathy, where sharing slices of your self as you see it provokes ridicule not respect. But your dreams may indeed be obscene: the actual dreams that play while you sleep. Dreams, ideals, where do they meet? I imagine a winter of the will where we do not fully understand the machinations but we suspect they do not care for us. Maybe they cannot care for us? The sea doesn't give a damn about me.

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Short Story: The Promotion

The Promotion

Interview room 341 is very small and dark, like a segment cut from a corridor. Harry notices the odd ratio of wall to door to window as he automatically moves towards the one empty chair. An inspector sits opposite behind a small desk, staring down at a screen. He’s thin, suited, with short hair starting to grey, and legs crossed with the raised foot absently tapping air.

He doesn’t seem to notice Harry standing there awkwardly. Just swipes and stares. Harry sits. Now the inspector looks up.

“Ah, Mr Thomas?”

“Yes. Yes?”

“Sorry to keep you waiting. It is nice to meet you.”

“Um, yes, it’s nice to meet you, too.”

The inspector smiles, showing his top teeth.

“I hope you got here without any trouble.”

“Yes, it was fine.”

“Well. I’m glad you could make the appointment. We’re very sorry about the delay. You know how things are right now.”

He waits.

“That’s ok.”

“Good, good. I’m sure you understand. It’s beyond our control. And of course doing things properly takes some time.”

He waits again. Smiles. Teeth.

“Yes, I suppose it does.”

“It won’t take long now though. Not long at all. We have gone through your work in detail. Everything in the feed, and everything in the archive. A considerable portfolio.”

He holds the screen up.

“This is your account, right?”

Harry looks at the old feed; its thumbnail images, shared edgy articles, and cringeworthy contributions from an old virtual self. It has been scrolled down to some point in the past, maybe five years ago, or more? There’s a photo of his brother with arms folded, standing outside under trees. Harry remembers it. 35mm Kodak film in a Canon FD camera, on a 50mm lens, just after the house was finished.

“Yes, that looks like my account.”

“Excellent. Yes. It is. We have gone through it in close detail. Thoroughly. Quite a body of work. Substantial.”

He waits. Smiles. Teeth.

“Thanks.”

The inspector turns the screen round. Tap, swipe, tap, tap. He holds it up again.

“And this, this is also yours? From the archive.”

Harry looks. A gallery of much older photos. A red van outside a bungalow on a drumlin hill. A long exposure of waves hitting a dark-rocked coast. A blurred horse running on an island. A boy in woods holding his hand in front of his face. A reflection of a row of white houses in a puddle.

“They are yours?”

“Yes, yes, they’re mine. from before. I haven’t seen them in…”

“Yes, well, here they are. Alive and kicking. Very consistent.”

He puts the screen down on the desk next to a sorry plastic plant.

“Well, we have gone through everything in detail, great detail, and we feel we have a good measure, a very good understanding, of your work. A very broad output indeed. Landscapes mainly, wouldn’t you agree? A degree of escapism? Some Longing? Classic straight composition, with the odd effort, off-piste, as they say.”

Harry’s eyes roll around the very small room.

The inspector waits.

“I guess, I’m drawn to landscape, somewhat.” He shifts in the chair.

“Yes, yes. Landscape is a fine subject. A fine way to spend a day off, out in the open air, recording the conditions, the light, the weather. The change and the unchanging.”

Harry shifts uncomfortably again.

“And of course, some street work here. Black and white in the main. Very, I suppose, un-intrsuive. Unintrsive street scenes, with little eye contact. Some reflections, windows, skies, observations. Perhaps a sense of, disconnect? Certainly a measure of observation and complexity. But a distance nonetheless. Very interesting. The curse of the observer, in the street, of the street, but always feeling outside, perhaps?”

“I suppose.”

Another long pause. Harry looks up at a fan cutting its loop overhead. Snipsnipsnipsnip…

The inspector nods and stares, his finger still flicking across the screen. He angles it so Harry can’t see what he sees. Pale blue light strikes his steady inspector face, and into his steady inspector eyes.

Eventually he puts it down again, and turns to face Harry, folding his hands carefully after thoughtfully brushing dust from the corners of the desk.

“So, this is good. I think we can come to a very clear understanding.”

“I hope so.”

“Certainly. Certainly. You see, your work is excellent, very good, very broad. Curious. Introspective. Persistent. And very consistent. Perhaps trying at times to, er, find a, find a foothold. A voice. What do you think?”

“Well, I guess, I mean, it’s… hard to say. I’ve put a lot of… It’s not really something I’ve…”

“Not to worry. Not to worry. Of course overthinking can disrupt the intuitive quest. Art is an, active form of contemplation, and expression shouldn’t be, pigeon-holed. Never tied down, strictly, fully. In any case, I’m sure it has been a valuable process, very educational. And an interesting, active hobby. We must always strive to see, to see better, no?”

“Sure. Yes.”

“Yes, We have to be, be in the world, and, take it for what it is, with us, in it, in the, flow, exactly. We have to let the world flow by us. Through us. Let it settle, percolate, integrate. Exactly. You have explored and I’m sure have learned a great deal about this human condition of ours.”

He rubs dust off the desk again, and glances at a clock that hangs on the wall behind Harry. Smiles. Teeth.

“Now, I’m glad we agree. You have learned and experienced and explored. A valuable process. You know, people like you are very important, vital even.”

Harry tries to stretch his body out of its slouch. The plastic chair seems designed to push it into a collapsed hunch. The tiny room is warm but he shivers. The daylight that had striped between the narrow grey blinds is gone.

The inspector puts his hands together in another practiced gesture.

“Of course, it is vital too, essential, to help people find their right, role. Their best calling. Vital to all of us. Otherwise, so much, so much potential, goes wasted. A great inefficiency.”

Harry stops fighting the slouch.

“I’m sure you have studied the greats. The giants of the art. Bresson, Capa, Adams. Man Ray. Atget. Aarbus. Koudelka. Steichen. Mann. Strand. Kenna. So many, so many. So true to their art. Art in every direction. We must never forget to study them, learn from them. Try to see as they saw. Don’t you think?”

“I suppose.”

“Yes, of course we do. And at the same time we must also struggle, struggle to find our own path. Sometimes we fall naturally into it, but of course, we can be helped. can we not? We have to embrace our path with integrity.”

“I guess.”

“As sure as we are sitting here. As sure as the sun still rises. We must help each other, for the sake of all of us. Not in a theoretical way. In real ways. Concrete ways. We must keep our purpose clear and our hearts open. Would you say that you are open, Harry?”

Harry lets his eyes float again, from those clean careful hands with close cut nails, to the looping fan, to the grey blinds.

“I, I.. maybe.”

“It is a fact. It is obvious from your work. You are an open, inquisitive individual. With so much to offer. I am sure you can see the opportunity, and that is all it takes, to see it, to see the path ahead.”

The inspector seems to count a preset number of seconds of pause, looking intently at Harry, then thoughtfully at his desk and office and the upturned screen and the clock, as though they have suddenly just appeared and are arranged just right.

“So. Time has no mercy. I am sure you are eager to get moving. It is great to find agreement. I am sure you can have many new experiences, good, great experiences. There is always time” As he speaks he pulls the screen back across with one finger, without looking at it. Then he does look, and it lights up again with the same blue, and he touches and taps.

“Now, here we are. Harry Samuel Thomas. One Seven Six Zero Seven Six Five Nine Two. This is you.”

“That’s me.”

“Of course. Now. Let’s just quickly… (tap tap tap).. and (tap tap tap) ”

He leans over the screen on the desk, but Harry can still see.. another gallery of his photographs. Numbers and dates. His memories. On one side he can see a star rating and underneath it some comments.

Two and a half stars out of five.

The inspector stares for a long moment then tap-tap-taps again.

Now a big button appears saying “Confirm Cleanse”

He looks at the screen.

“No point in looking backwards Harry. We must learn from the masters, pull together, find our optimal path. We must let our lives be our content.”

Harry watches the inspector’s quick fingers tap “Confirm Cleanse”. The screen flashes. A new view: “Confirm content cleanse. All feed content will be removed. Save feed content to archive? Remove all archive material?”

The inspector de-selects “Save feed content to archive”, and selects “Remove all archive material”. He taps “CONFIRM”.

“Identification required. Level Four. Department of Culture and Data Provisioning.”

“Ah, of course.”

He turns the screen to Harry.

“Can you put your thumbs here. Both thumbs? On the circles.”

Harry presses his thumbs onto circles marked L and R.

“Identification confirmed. Processing request.”

A loading bar appears.

“Removing feed content. 3%”

Harry can hear the fan and his own breathing. He tries to remember the places he has been. Fragments. A windswept day out on the coast. Deep grass, hollow-pocked under tripping feet. A windy afternoon and the sun blasting between clouds. Crawling on his belly to the edge and holding the camera over it.

The ocean bellowing below sheer cliffs. Seagulls squealing. The huge mass of the sea stack over the waves. Lines of white froth and bullets of specular glint. Clear horizon and sea sound and sea smell from one edge to the other.

“100%. Source material removed.”

“Removing archive material. 1%”

Or, another time and place, getting out of the subway at night, during winter in a cold city, and turning to look down at steps running back to the station. A man hurrying down, and suddenly jumping the last few steps. Too many to be practical. A flourish, not meant to be seen. Just for the heck of it.

A long time ago now.

“100%. Archive material removed. Procedure complete.”

The inspector smiles broadly and leans forward.

“That is it. That’s great. Nothing to it. Now we can move forward. Onwards and upwards, to new adventures.”

He continues to tap.

“And the requisition unit will call to your home this very day, for the equipment recycle order.”

He turns the screen off.

“Now, good news. We have a great position lined up for you. Perfect. A brand new opening. Right next to your home. A fine promotion. With a highly reputable content subcontractor- Merko Kontent.”

Harry feels far away, and being far away and empty, finds he is now able to meet the inspector’s gaze. It doesn’t waver. It holds his eyes and drinks them in and deletes whatever they are saying, unflinching, unreflective, steady.

“You will be straight into the images department. None of the ground floor work. A proper contract.”

It is easier to look at the blinds, and the lines of darkness where the lines of light had been.

**************************

Office six eight four, floor three, Merko Kontent Building Seven, Department of Content and File Administration. Eight minutes of brisk walking from the outside door of the apartment block.

A lady in a blue suit with a name tag shows Harry to his desk. His name and number are displayed on a large flat display. She points out the bathroom, the coffee and vending machines, and the smaller second screen to the left of the other. On this, a red clock showing “09:00:00”

“Just put your thumbs here.”

Harry puts his two thumbs against the L and R circles on the big display. It immediately lights up. Text appears.

“Assignment 3707124. Content Agent: 176076592. Session: 1186503. Time allocated: 24:28:00. Time accumulated. 00:00:00. Session length: 09:00:00. Press screen to begin.”

There you are”, the lady says. “Just follow the screen. Easy peasy. A basic session to get you started. It automatically stops when you leave your chair.”

She starts to walk away then pauses.

“Oh, and your work will be monitored of course, I mean, especially, for the first few days at least. It’s just protocol. Press the Support button under the clock screen for tech support. But you shouldn’t need it.”

She hurries off. Harry watches her disappear into a maze of separating dividers and then he glances up at the camera overhead. Then at the screen. It waits.

“Press screen to begin.”

He presses the screen.

“Assignment type: Image Allocation. ID 3707124. Session: 1186503”

“Assignment content: Private Feed Images”

“Assignment target cluster segment: Pornography”

“Press screen to continue.”

The only sound is a low background hum, and possibly faraway traffic, and something like flowing water. Overhead pipes?

He presses the screen.

“Instructions overview: Choose Yes if image is of a graphic or pornographic nature. Otherwise choose No. Press screen to continue.”

Harry presses the screen.

The clock on the left suddenly starts counting down.

“8:59:59”

“8:59:58”

On the main display: an image of a windswept sea, probably taken from a boat. Two buttons. YES and NO.

Harry touches NO.

A new image. A truck being unloaded outside a warehouse in the rain.

NO

A group of people in a room, looking at the camera and smiling.

NO

Two young naked women in a kitchen with their hands raised to their faces in ‘owl eyes’ shapes.

YES

***********************************************

When the clock reaches zero, Harry realises he hasn’t eaten, or moved from his station for a full nine hours. The light has stayed exactly the same throughout. The sounds too, bar an odd shuffle of passing feet followed by clunks from a vending machine or whirring from the coffee machine. The big screen is blank. The small one reads “00:00:00”. Now it too fades into black. Harry’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out. New message.

He takes the stairs down and goes through door, door, gate, to get to the street. It’s dark and not yet busy. An eight minute walk home. He has finished early.

After four minutes, Harry reaches an intersection and stops. His stomach is rumbling. He stands there for two full light changes, watching other workers going home, and cars driving through. He sees lights switch off in the opposite block, and others switch on. He sees a woman walk by with a little girl wearing a dress and eating an ice cream. Instead of going straight on towards the tiny apartment, he turns left, and walks faster.

Eventually, he reaches a bridge and crosses, looking down into the dark river below. Now he is in the old part of the city, where warrens of streets thrown on streets mingle and twist. Old unprofitable shops hang stubbornly onto corners like barnacles.

Harry stops at a dirty lit window with red and black lettering overhead. “Darcy’s. Buy and Sell. Technology specialist. Classic items.” He looks around before pushing the door in.

A bell tinkles. An old man leans over a glass counter at the end of the dark narrow space, working with a little pliers over something disassembled. The centre and sides are lined with shelves and cases. Harry makes a slow line around the outside towards a display of antique cameras. Dented metal SLRs, a couple of worn rangefinders, and a random mix of lenses, bags, and coloured filters. He picks things up, twists knobs, presses shutters.

The old man stops his work and stares.

Harry picks up a small SLR.

“How much for this body and lens?”

The man peers through his thick glasses.

“Mmmmm, that’s not a common model, that one. In good nick too. Serviced it myself. And no digital footprin… mmmmm…. 50 pounds for both.”

“Do you have any film for it?”

“Mmmm, film? I’ll check.”

The keeper disappears into the back, and Harry waits, listening to the sounds of cabinet doors opening and closing and muttered swearing.

The old man returns with a small cardboard box filled with rolls of old film.

“Expired of course. But I had them in the fridge.”

“Fine.”

He picks up a loose roll and holds it up to his face.

“You know, I don’t think you can get these developed anywhere anymore.”

“I know.”

“Oh, well, 3 pounds a roll, as they are.”

Harry picks up and puts down some of the rolls. He looks around the empty shop again then pulls out a battered wallet. Carefully wrapped inside an old receipt are two 50 pound notes.

“Will that do? For the lot?”

“Yep, that’ll do. I’ll find a bag.”

Harry hands him the cash and turns to the door. Back outside, the street is quiet. The streetlights that work throw cones of muddy orange along its narrow curve. Harry fumbles with a roll of the expired film and eventually loads it. He stares at the row of houses, the lights, and the blackness of the sky that they fade into.

He wipes the viewfinder and lens with his sleeve then holds the camera up to his eye. Fragments from the nine hours of “Assignment Section: Pornography” begin to dislodge. He tries to see only what is in the viewfinder.

Click.

THE END

All photos, drawings, and text by Donal Kelly. Please let me know if you liked it. If you hated it, that's ok. I can accept this. But no need to let me know. I find it really hard to get anyone to actually read my efforts, and I can't read it properly myself because it's too familiar. Maybe if I spend a year or two forgetting.

I had an idea to write a story about a committee or judge deciding whether or not to delete an artist's entire life's work. Not that I am such a thing. But, just like that: one click of a button. DELETE.

I was struggling to have much belief in my own work (still am) and this is one of the genre of malevolent fantasies that my mind sometimes spins. A committee made up of the type of commenter from websites, who say "I dunno, I think it's just shit". Once I started, I began to imagine what the world might look like for this to happen, or what else might happen afterwards, or even the room where it might happen. Just a few loose sketches. Hints and allegations.

Then I decided to draw an actual sketch. Of the little interview room. Who knows why. Then I felt I had to add lots more, for closure, and then I lost a whole pile of time. Hours and hours. Gobble gobble gobble. And I still think, it probably, should be, you know, deleted.

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Port Na bPúcaí: Macnas Parade, Galway 2017

old man from island, macnas parade 2017, Donal Kelly

The Dark Half. If you were to cut a year down the middle, right through the belly, it would make sense (in the northern hemisphere at least), to choose the time of Halloween.

This is when Daylight Savings Time is cut from the clocks and autumn cedes to winter. It’s a transition from light to dark, from long summer days to long winter nights. Yadda yadda yadda.

On the edge of things, comfort and definitions are tested. Hallow’s Eve was a point when the souls of the dead were able to mingle with the living. To confuse them, we, the living, put on masks of them, the dead, and danced a hooley. We marked an indistinct edge between light and dark, life and death, growth and decay, here and not here.

This is where Macnas aims to tread, on the edges, crafting primal energy into a fling with moderated chaos.

Leaves still cling on for dear colour in the university trees. The whole parade is lined up outside the quad and doing its final prep. This is probably the first time it has assembled in full, costumed, made-up, skipping with wait, ready to roll.

It can’t go overboard. It can’t become the objects of menace that it hints at. But it can resonate with and fill the spirit, and throw a bone to the pagan within.

I’m not sure about being there. I’m an imposter, a parasite, a camera-appended outsider, an invasive specimen.

If you’re in traffic, you are traffic.

If my view is blocked by a photographer’s head, then I’m blocking someone too. I can’t be invisible. To measure, interferes, and to record, is never truly unintrusive. We change when watched. Yet here I have a DSLR and a bag of lenses and here I join more reputable media and here I try to not be there but be there all the same. I’m not sure what I’m trying to get exactly. Just going from one shot to the next, clickity click, aperture down, ISO up, and wishing I could absorb and become the energy.

I sometimes think that in these situations empathy becomes a communal wave, and the social animals within align. Do we need to commune with a spiritual herd, every once in while?

But crowds are tough, and 40,000 is a lot of bodies to cram along narrow Galway streets. So many faces, so many reactions, and all so unique and aware and real. Imagine how the parts of your brain that work on face recognition are right now, zooming from figure to figure in the dark. It can’t keep up; it dissolves and quits. Someone yells at me and it takes me three or four goes to see Morgan there with his family.

Contorted-but-elegant masks. Bangs and belts, thumps, and rumbles. Music and singing and voices over the din. Clapping and roaring.

The crowd must become ones, must interact, react. The audience is part of the show. Et unum pluribus.

Some fill in the blanks with imagination and find fear- yelp and roar.

“Wooooooahh!”

“Aaaaagh!”

“It’s an allllliieeeen!”

Others push out from inside a comfort zone, grimace and grin back, assured that they are solid and correct.

“You’re not scary!”

“Raaaaaaar!”

Some have lost it altogether or never arrived.

“I wanna go hommmmmmmme!”

Tweenage girls notice looks and costumes

“Oh my God she’s so pretty!”

Excited parents ride on the innocent connections of their children.

“Look at the ship Annie! Look at the big dog!”

And then there is the mediation. The extensions. These are our holy digital devices, which we layer between our senses and the world, like necessary appendages. Maybe they form another enormous inter-connected social brain where we extend our empathy. Or not. We haven’t figured it out yet. Too new. Our digital appendages greet us when we wake and lull us to our sleep. We manage our own parade on the edge of being there and not being there. Life, mediated.

What is the most THERE you can be? I mean, in the world. I’m trying my best. Engaging the senses. Using my camera to stare, and hopping along between a group shaking sheets of wobbling loud metal, and a beautiful singing lady with a silver ship for a hat and her own trailing lighthouse. A woman with a smoke-making device keeps pace, and every few dozen metres fires it off. Such a smell! My left eye is still seeing green squares from when I stupidly fired the flash into it at point blank range earlier. I guess now I’ll find out if it really does damage the retina. And all the time I feel I shouldn’t be there, and should be grabbed and flung out. Am I in the moment? Clickity click. Shutter speed too slow, ISO too high, Av, manual, back to Av, autofocus just not on point at f1.8. Where am I?

I shouldn’t be there, in the body of the parade, but once I make the transition from the preparations to the streets, which seems to happen with no border (was I expecting a starting pistol?), it seems like there’s no way out. There isn’t a single chink in the buzzing wall of people from NUIG all the way through town to the Claddagh. Left across the Salmon Weir bridge, right onto Eglinton, right onto Shop Street, down the cobbles to Mainguard, across Cross into Quay, on over the Wolfe Tone bridge, and left off Fr. Griffen to the Claddagh.

The entire city seems to be wearing a costume and has transformed, and stepped into a gap (mind the gap, mind the gap) between by-the-book routine and what-the-hell chaos. It’s a touch Mad Max, with more dancing and less Rocky Horror, with uproarious noise and balls of fire and smoke and masked dancers. There is a beauty, and a grace, bulbous contortions, sudden leaps, intense pauses and frantic swivels.

And then, it ends, like it began, with no distinct finish line or checkered flag, only a gradual breaking up. I’m frazzled as hell and have filled a 32Gb memory card and am a bit drunk on being-there. Still feeling guilty, too. Still wishing I had a lanyard and a title and a tag to give me a bulwark against the idea of me-as-parasite, showing up, tagging along, soaking it in, adding nothing. I assume my pictures will be mediocre.

And I’m thinking about the way we put devices between ourselves and the world or if the devices are just more of the world. I’m wondering if we can fully immerse or if we could ever fully immerse or if the noise is just noise and we need to remember that we can tune out and see that the country is richer than it ever ever was. That the sense of foreboding is itself an indulgence. I’m somewhere on an edge under a squadron of diving thoughts. Feckers. One of them is that all witnessed things need to be given space, and put on a pendulum not a pedestal, not held up as pure, atomic, definitive episodes, only nudges to a scales. Hyperbole. Hyperbore.

The water in the Claddagh quay is calm and still. The roads are back open to cars again. The city has dropped the costume into the River Corrib or the Atlantic (where does one end and the other begin?). Buskers return to the streets. It’s still not raining, but grows cool then cold. 40,00 people need to be fed. It is a full-house Bank Holiday Sunday night.

We have gone to an edge, signposted, planned, and policed, and now return back to the safe routines. But we will go edgewards again, one way or another.

and magnificently we would fold, into the mystic

Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography
Macnas parade Galway 2017, Galway City, Donal Kelly photography

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BadReview: Crime and Punishment, play,

BadReview: Crime and Punishment, play, Druid Theatre Galway, October 2017.

It’s one of those books that you might happen to namedrop the odd time.

“It’s a bit Dostoyevskian, isn’t it?”
Doss Toyevskian?
“A bit Crime and Punishment perhaps?”
Phshsh! It’s a video of a beagle opening a fridge. What are you on about?
[low, meaningful tone] “Well, it is what it is.”
SUBTEXT: “You know, having read it, have I not acquired a deeper sense of the mysteries of humanity, and been enriched for it.”
SUBSUBTEXT: “Respect me, love me, buy me.”

I did read it then, as in, moved my eyes from sentence 1 to sentence FINAL, back in first Arts in NUIG, when I lived in a cold house in Tirellan Heights and was as lonely as a poem about a scuttling crab and I scuttled around feeling everything as much as possible. Of course I couldn’t have given you a set of the novel’s themes if you’d paid me 30 roubles. Five minutes on Wikipedia just now explains more than weeks of confused reading did then.

BADLY COMPILED LIST OF THEMES LIFTED FROM WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE

  • Nihilism/Russian Nihilism
  • Dangers of Utilitarianism and Rationalism, and Radicalism in general
  • Egoism driven by westernised rationalized utilitarian self-deception
  • Guilt and the suffering it brings
  • Drunkenness
  • Poverty
  • General wretchedness of society
  • Redemptive qualities of higher powers, i.e. God from the Bible

See, Wikerpedia knows it all. But there’s a Wikipedia reduction, isn’t there? From an experienced journey through a writer’s will-to-write to a curated list monitored by open source sorts. How could they ever be the same? You might as well compare life lived to a description of life lived.

I remember, crime, and punishment: heavy moods, coughing, a densening of my lonerism, an articulation of inner thought to soundtrack the rattling of a rattly mind, an ardent dude who felt and felt and was important in the world around him, the swinging of an axe and no going back, long Russian names, hard Russian weather, not knowing that consumption was T.B., album-length aimless walks through Galway city wearing headphones, the beeps that an ATM makes when there are insufficient funds, beans on toast, not knowing how restaurants expected you to order, and feeling generally very exposed to the elements.

Heft then. The heft and anguished intellectualism of a masterly Russian novel.

And here’s a play to try to bring it to life, with 9 darkly-clad actors (the bio says 11, I counted 9, believe who you wants) and many more than 11 characters. It conjures up a range of scenes on the sparse set in the small Druid Lane Mick Lally theatre (simple dark benches, a hat stand, lamps). There are tense confrontations and intense musical interludes. We start at the end, looking back. The lone pianist’s suppressed playing builds a simple melody through the scenes, and provides doses of minor chords. Maybe there’s a major chord or a rising progression at the end, when a letter arrives from a Siberian prison, speaking of acceptance, perhaps redemption?

The Gist, copied from the play event bio:

“St. Petersburg, Russia, 1865. A young man commits a violent murder in cold blood. He considers himself a Napoleon, acting for a higher purpose. Gradually confronted with the seriousness of his crime, only Sonja, a downtrodden prostitute, can offer a chance at redemption.”

“Morgan Creative are thrilled to announce the premiere of a brand-new adaptation of Dostoyevsky’s timeless story, written by Irish playwright Philip McDonagh. The play features an ensemble of 11 performers, a live score. It is directed by Luke Morgan.”

There’s the gist then, but I’m not so sure there was a gradual confrontation with the crime, more an immediate breakdown as of the crime, then a prolonged period of punishment, principally of the self-negating kind. The gradual change is the rejection of the thoughts that drove the act, and the awakening of a possibility of rebirth. But does violence not have an irrepressible finality? Can it be overcome?

I guess so much violence has been committed, is being committed, that there are ways to live with it, and there are probably methods of disassociation that skip some of the guilt and anguish. Would many radicals turn back and renege after taking the plunge from fantasy into bloody acts? Even if they do, would society really forgive them and embrace them later? I wonder about the marginal returns on the guilt of crimes: once a crime is done once, what difference does it make if more follows? And there is the economics: will a single crime bringing in a decent amount of cash really allow for a life on the straight and narrow. I guess there is a lot of context. It might work out for an attempt at insurance fraud for 100K in an otherwise stable household in a nice area, but for an attempt at 100k from a Post Office robbery by a group of twentysomething men from more brokendown parts of a city?

Naturally, some avenues from the novel are left in the wings of allusion only, such as the family plots and three suitors of Raskolnikov’s sister Dunya. There’s a lightening infusion of regular quipped humour, perhaps a stamp of theatre needed to keep an audience engaged as they navigate the depths.

There are hard-hitting heavy-duty scenes, like the dream of a horse being whipped to death, under an ugly sense of entitlement and ownership. The main assailant, whips, wretched, we assume sunk to brutality through poverty.
IT’S MY PROPERTY. MY P R O P E R T Y

How connected morality and the actions on the menu of life, are to money and means, to having the cash and environment to choose alternatives. How can an individual get out of the cycle of poverty at all?

Here’s the death of a street-wandering alcoholic father whose wife beats him and whose daughter has been forced into getting a “yellow card“: a passport to prostitution.

Here’s the rough and confident mind games of the detective Porfiry Petrovich, and the samovar tea of Nastasya the friendly servant. It all turns on a dark act, a crime that was pre-rationalized and pre-justified but in its doing became something very different. Does all crime have collateral? Stealing 5c from the bank accounts of all people with a net worth of more than 500K? Could you call it a tax? But tax is not an axe? Does the play build up enough empathy to get behind moody Raskolnikov before the murders? Do we step back a bit then and relegate him to an OFFWITHHISHEAD distance?

As usual for me the walls of connection and immersion are tested. A phone beeps in the row in front. Beep beep! A lady takes it out and spends minutes with the screen light on. I can see the screen and know which way she needs to swipe to mute it, but it seems like she doesn’t. Beep Beep! And at the moment when Raskolnikov finally admits his guilt to Soyna, there’s a sudden titter. Blast my overly sensitive radar. Why do I always hear the people whispering in the cinema? I demand engrossment!

I forgot, from my remembered reading, the conspicuous religious nature of the redemptive aspects, and I find it a bit hard to process now. The possibility of being a Lazerus, of returning from wretchedness to a state of worth and, moral rectitude? To righteousness? Asceticism? Good ol traditional values? Does cheek-turning enable cheek-striking?

I wonder what a corrosive acidic brand of contemporary pop-nihilism like Rick and Morty would make of it? It seems to tackle similar heft with more irony and less anguish.

In a secular state, with an embrace of noise and anger and disillusion and echo-chambers and nationalism, where’s the direction of redemption? The wildlife is dying and the planet itself seems to be growing ill, so how do we not see humanity as a scourge, and not be dismissive of the whole possibility of feeling ok about being us-on-this-world? Soyna and Raskolnikov seem to find a possible happiness in bearing the cross, and abandoning rationalism. DO they abandon ambition too, and maybe society itself? What does the arc tell us about living here, now, in the time of Trump and the steady storm-pocked rumbles of climate change?

I guess like all hefty tomes and hefty themes, there’s no end to it, no point where you reach the bit of an equation after the equals sign and can then absorb and immediately forget it. The weightiness of life lived can be hard to manage, hard to offset. Maybe it’s heft all the way down. I feel I must interject my passing with jolts of ironic humour, to take the edge off, but there it is, the rag and bone shop, the ladders and daggers of morality and its veils.

WARNING! HEFT LEVELS APPROACHING MAXIMUM DEPTH! ABSURD INTERLUDE REQUIRED!

Wikipedia is dead, go read the book, see the play, long live Wikipedia. I should re-read le novel now and go on a few more cloud-strewn-Galway album-length walks. Maybe stream some My Bloody Valentine or Sigur Ros and try not to be popped out by the Spotify ads, that must beset all those who cannot afford Premium.

Morgan Creative: http://www.morgancreative.org/theatre.html

Druid Theatre: http://www.druid.ie/

Wikipedia page on Crime and Punishment: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_and_Punishment

Dedalus Press profile of diplomat and writer, Philip McDonagh: https://dedaluspress.com/authors/mcdonagh-philip/

A Tribal Vision interview with Director Luke Morgan: https://atribalvision.com/interviews/030-luke-morgan

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Photoessay: Western Way Ramble, October ’17

western way, hill of Doon panorama, DOnal Kelly photography

Dull, damp, October. A pheasant in the middle of the road. I always have the wrong lens, and he flies off before I can find another. The road ends, a track begins. Fading signposts point out the Western Way. A gaggle of houses perched over the Corrib. Honeysuckle.

Leaves on the ground turning to sodden mush. I make slow progress, booted, stopping, stooping, trying to see, to grasp. Grasses, mosses, ferns, lichens, mushrooms; endless details of the mundane. I do not know their names. I am a surface junkie. I can name some of the trees: birch, beech, oak, chestnut. Names are surfaces too.

A pair of dark-haired donkeys. I scratch one’s ears. Sheep stare from the ruins of old homes. Forestry, some cut, with saplings growing in plastic tubes. Streams, pools, and the lake. Surfaces and depths. I wonder is there anything there to see, or if I am just more water streaming into a pool. My boots sink into a soft hole: I have left the road, clambered to the shore. A tree has fallen on the edge, still living, laid out in the waves. Maam rises to the North.

I stop where the ground turns to wetter exposed bog, and head back up to the car. It darkens. Raindrops. Am I taking the same photograph again and again? If you keep going back to a place, do you tread any deeper? It is important to re-tread, to exist in spaces at different times, in different moods and seasons. The water will have changed. Yet in our minds we carry static snaps, snipped from one visit or compressed from a mass of passings. It is so hard to see the places where you commute every day. It is hard to see what seems to be always there. It is not always there.

We need to go back when we can see the change, or try to change how we see. We change regardless, without pause, without effort, and it is hard to catch. Maybe it is an accumulation, or maybe a flow: a river path eroding lines through fracturing terrain, down to some waiting pool.

Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography
Western Way, galway, oughterard, lough corrib, october, autumn, connemara, ireland photos, Donal Kelly photography

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Photoessay: Storm Ophelia in Galway, October 2017.

silver strand, storm ophelia, donal kelly photography

Is it here yet? We are plugged into radio, tv, boards.ie, facebook, twitter. RED warning. refresh, refresh, refresh. Cork’s getting a hammering. 169 km/h way down at Fastnet Rock. Waterford. Tipperary. The eye is tracking up the west coast. Is this it? Now?

Lough Corrib is churning. It’s raining full pelt. Up in the high bogs the clean new cloud-scraping windmills continue to turn. Water whips from the blades. Trees bicker and bend. Bend and bicker. but they do not fall. Midday and then beyond. The skydome rotates; gales suddenly flip from South East to South West. That means the centre has moved north?

So, have we escaped the worst? The trees flail but don’t fall; rattle but don’t collapse. Safe enough to venture out? Out to the coast. The sea is amok amach, and high tide has already passed. Rossaveal, Inverin, Spiddal, Barna, Salthill. Seaweed strewn.

Thousands of dead worms near the prom. The car park has been flooded again. Giddy teenagers kick balls, soak each other, bounce, record. Everyone is recording, on phones and cameras. Me too, me too. Updates, updates, updates. Is it done?

Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography
Storm Ophelia, galway, oughterard, storm, atlantic ocean Donal Kelly photography

It has been moving north. Darkness falls. Seems windier in the dark. News again. Three people dead up the country, where trees did buckle and split and crack and fall. The real deal. Three hundred thousand homes without power. Thirty-five Lime trees knocked in Centre Park road in Cork. Would we complain if nobody are hurt? Why are we so angry at those who went swimming, surfing?

All images and text copyright Donal Kelly. Don’t use without permission.

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Poem: Us & Then (Exabyte)

Us & Then (Exabyte)

Billows of dust
Thickened and dry
Colour of rust
Blotting the sky

Comments flicker in the fallen night
(A trillion stars in a trillion galaxies)
Flickering, bickering, faraway old light of
1000000000000000000000000 stars

Go on, get a good kick in now, and
Feel the rush of a boot point scored
A fist in the face of – oh such a punchable face –
They that say, They own the way.

Better the dust,
Hunker below,
Bunkered in crust:
Devil you know.

Us and them assemble again online
(1 megabyte of terabytes of data)
Armed and barbed and certain as hell of our
1000000000000000000000000 bytes

Us and Them and then and then
Only an idiot would think like that
Or like that, or that, or that and
What else have you got?

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Photo Essay: Bringing the bog back home

in the bog photography donal kelly 2017

Windmills on the hills slowly rotate in the August breeze. John Sullivan, eighty-plus, with a healthy shock of hair, hops onto the stuttering old Massey Ferguson, his back injured and twisted from years of hard work on the land. But he is still nimble, like the tractor; chipped and scraped, scarred and weathered, but with engine alert and the wheels turning.

The year after winter started with a good dry spell, but little turf was cut, and the weather broke again, and a lot of the plots weren’t cut until after. But there was time, and even in the wetter spots enough weeks and drying to cut, turn, foot, stack, and now bring out and haul home, for the final shed-stacking and eventual burning, the sods and clods and dust.

It is nearing the end of summer, and time for that final part- bringing the turf home. It is right now built into three-feet-high stacks, and is in good condition, though patches of the ground are yet soft and wet. It will be brought from the soft inner bogland using the Massey, with its extra wheels and light weight able to navigate the unsteady ground. A heavier tractor with narrower wheels would soon sink into the earth.

The turf is then brought to a tipping point where it can be loaded into a trailer on the road, which is then driven home.

donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017
donal kelly photography Last Day of the Bog Connemara 2017