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Teaching in Korea

Justin is sleepy. His head droops over his desk as I begin to run through the new vocabulary. Behind him Sean has yet to take out a book, bag still on his shoulders and cheeky nonplussed smile on his face. Alice and Holly are already interested and repeat the words loudly. it’s five fifty-five on a Friday. We’re doing a class on music genres. “Jawn-reh, jawn-re”, they repeat. “Pop… pop… rock…. rock…” I can hear “rock, lock, rlock”. I draw a padlock on the board and write “lock” beside it. “What’s this?” “Lock, rock lrock!”.

For almost five months I have been teaching English in a private school, a “hakwon”, in Busan, Korea. It’s a long way from home, and a long way from writing computer code at a computer desk. It’s also proving hard to find the ‘morning calm’ that Korea goes by. Perhaps no more than the saints and scholars and thousand welcomes of Ireland, it takes effort to find the depth and truth behind the tagline. Also, I get up too late to see the morning calm. I work late, eat late, and sleep late, and life is without fail always an order of magnitude more chaotic and noisy than Ireland, than Galway, than Oughterard, than the lake shore in Barrusheen.

But why am I here? There are loads of I.T. jobs at home, right? Well, yes, I can’t really blame the jobs market right now for my leaving, but I’ve been through two redundancies since university and had no work for months before I left. I had other motives too: a restlessness to see what would happen (life is an experiment), to see and do something new, a persistent itch about the downcast atmosphere at home… and oh, and there’s a girl too.

My first class was a tough one. I had some experience teaching cycling skills to kids in primary schools, and I normally consider my English to be ‘fluent’ (though sometimes I wonder), but I was put straight into class with some almighty jetlag, no preparation and no training. To the kids I was a new curiosity, and despite my inability to keep order in any way or remember their chosen English names, it… could have been worse. They don’t bite… although some try to climb me, and others pinch my freckled wrists.

Korea is great in many respects. Food is delicious, varied, and cheap, transport is reliable and cheap (the first time you pay for a taxi is joyous), the weather is predictable (although too hot in summer for me), the people are inviting and interested and fun, the language and culture is rich, shopping is a national past-time with real value possible, the mountains are seemingly designed for hikers and are genuine places of peace and calm, and there are always festivals on and things to do. The internet is blindingly fast and abundant, the dentists and hair salons and hospitals are nothing short of amazing. My experience with a malignant wisdom tooth led me to a dentist before I had any health insurance organized, to have it removed, and it cost in total (2 visits) about €30. You can get a full meal for €4, and from one side of the city to the other on the subway for €1.

The education system in Korea is, however, to most external observers, a little bit mad. My students start as early as eight in the morning and finish as late as ten at night, going to their regular school first, then on to private school sessions for different subjects like English and math. They have longer days, more homework, and shorter holidays than I ever had. They get assignments to do during their summer and winter breaks. They go to school every second Saturday. Once they reach middle school they are in a permanent competition for higher grades and better marks. Sometimes I have little motivation to try and keep the sleepy ones awake. The “zombie students”, I call them. Foreign teachers are drafted in here to boost the reputation of English schools, to attract more kids and appease the parents. I often ask them if they are tired and then try to turn it into a conversation. “Why are you tired, what did you do today? How many hours did you spend in school? Just ten?”. In fact with some classes I spend all of my energy simply trying to energize them, which in turn sucks me dry of vigor. Younger busier classes of energetic loud wild ones can leave me happy and awake.

Most countries bemoan their lack of interest and spending on education. Some strive to portray themselves as ‘knowledge economies’: shining lights that will ‘going forward’ build nations of educated prosperity. Here in Korea education has for centuries been of central importance, and unfortunately, an almost all-consuming obsession. There seems to me to be something wrong with forcing children to learn beyond a certain point. Sure, we all need the basics and those that like it should have the resources to forge ahead, but if it becomes a national competition on which your life seems to depend then is it worth it? Creativity and ideas are surely born out of choice and free interest, out of self-motivation? The individual learns, not the system. For those who like gyms, it is akin to using free-weights versus machines. The machines enforce a strict movement while the free weights force you to stabilize and learn the movements yourself. The big guys mostly use free weights.

At least once a week I dream of home. Not nostalgic sentimental journeys (too soon too soon) but simply the dislocating mental unravelling of my thin thread of experience. My mind’s clutter is still mostly from Ireland. I wake confused in my cube-shaped apartment, trying to remember exactly where I am and who I am. The fridge is a few feet from the bed, which is also my chair, couch, and sometimes table.

Sang-eun is a university student with only one semester left before she finishes the long haul of education, and her experience matches most students of her generation. “High school is the hardest, especially from grade two on” she tells me. She often started at 7a.m. and finished at 11p.m., and sometimes had private tutors come to her home as late as midnight. Private academies cannot operate after 10 p.m. by law, but where there’s a will there’s a way, and there is definitely a will. In most cases it is the will of the parents. The status associated with manual and practical jobs is low, and there is huge pressure put on children and teenagers to make it into one of the top universities. Getting there is the hard part, and families make huge financial and lifestyle sacrifices to play the game.

In some ways they have created a monster, a children-churning mill that takes all of the freedom out of learning and unbalances lives and families. Every parent wants their son or daughter to be an elementary school teacher, or a doctor, or a lawyer. The western teenager’s screams of “it’s none of your business” don’t seem to apply here, in a culture with more concrete roles based on rank and age. It is always your parent’s business. It is not uncommon for parents to phone the boss of an adult child about a problem at work.

Sang-eun though remembers high school with fondness; she and her friends sometimes wish they could go back. School was almost like home, and it wasn’t all study. Large high schools have canteens, clubs, and a radio station. Students spend their days with close friends in a safe stable environment. They are also consistently at or near the top end of global education rankings, with pupils smart enough (at least in exams) to create anxiety in nations like the U.S that tend to lag behind in the charts.

I use facebook and Skype to keep in touch with home, but though they close the gap they also point out the distance. My dad talks about the weather and how the turf isn’t home and how Ougherard lost the county final. He holds up the dog to the camera, who is gripping a new red rubber bone in his jaws, and doesn’t seem to see me but lifts his ears at the sounds. My brother puts a cup of steaming tea in front of the screen. A cup of tay. I yell at him to make me one, and my mom promises to send me some teabags in the mail. I eventually hang up, sign out, and sleep.

Kelly is coughing, as is Lily. The weather has suddenly cooled and there’s a cold going round. We are learning about sports. Amy is pretending to hit tennis balls at me with an imaginary racket. I pretend to flinch. Suddenly half the class are hitting imaginary tennis balls at me and laughing at my imaginary flinches. Annie is saying ” teacher I’m very very very very very cold”, but she always says that. Jenny is tearing her page and sticking something to it. I have them make teams and stick food names to the board, sorting them into the correct groups. “No, pork is not a vegetable! What happened to the carrot? Amy, I am not a toy… Amy, sit down!” Hopefully they are learning something, but secretly a bit of happy chaos is just what I needed.

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Buzz

I shouldn’t have watched three episodes. One was enough. I should have gone to bed then. Now it’s after one.

Too awake, but need to sleep. Wednesday tomorrow, only midweek. If I sleep late I wake late and I’ll be in a late cycle again.

Brush teeth, wash face. Mouthwash empty, must buy some more. Back to the box-room, all of my things. Switch off my laptop and switch off the plugs. Moisturise. Glass of water. Sleepier now but head clogged with tv. Thick duvet, too warm. October but still too warm. Summer was sweat; Autumn cooler but…

Kick it off, pull it back on. Head out one end, feet out the other. Fridgewhir changes pitch. Two metres from my bed. Sleep, sleep. Into the deep.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shit! Mosquito! Where, where? Up. Lights. Sore eyes blinking. Freeze! Where? Glasses? Here! There! Black spot on the wall. Above the bed.

Weapon, need a weapon. Book? No, too big. Notebook better. Here, fine. No proper swatter, need to get one. Heart valves all open. Calm. Relax. Just a fly. Son of a bitch. Bloodthirsty.

Nice and easy. Slow, slow, gently does it. Soft soft SMACK! Victory! Black spot now flatter on the wall, stain on the off-white wallpaper. Will have to clean it sometime. Not now.

Bed again, head down, too hot. Shift left. Shift right. Too hot. Too awake. Mind idling; won’t kill. Clock fuzzy on the desk. 02:30. Huh? Where did the last hour go? Switch off body- switch off! Stop thinking! The man I want to be would be able to… control the flow. Calm the muse. Caution the cortisol. Meditate. Mediate. Breathe. Yawn. Go left. Go right. Deeper into the night’s belly.

Ok, getting settled. Not so bad now. Starting to drift…

bzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz

What? Again? Fuck! Up! Glasses! Quick! Sonofabitch! Can’t see it. Why only when I lie down? Why can’t I see them when I am up and awake. Where did it go… ah, no, wait, yes, there, up high. Notebook again. Mosquit-ho! World’s worst alarm clock. Works great but only when you don’t want it. Raggedy zigzag flightpath. Looks aimless, graceless; but secretly poised. Long thin needlenose sliding easy into skin. Tapping a vessel. Suck suck gurgle gurgle red bellyswell. Go to hell!

Easy again, have to be nice and easy. Too hard and the air just blows them away. Need a proper… SMACK!!

Gotcha! Must have left the window open today. Stupid. All alone here, no one to blame. Box room is dirty; too many things. Smaller house easier to dirty. Always seem to be cleaning. Never clean. Life is maintenance.

Relax. Sleep. Heedless clock rushing towards dawn. Need to start soon. Eating into tomorrow’s reserves. Kids will notice. “Dark circles, dark circles!” And yell when I take off my glasses. Need to relax. Maybe if I remember?

Maybe it’s his first time around

Ok, drift, drift, think of safe places. A corner of a treehut. Smell of wood and leaf. Can see the lake through gaps in the planks. Slight sway. Or in Granny’s house, sunk in the soft old bed with broken springs. Familiar voices from the next room. Atlantic waves in the distance. Wind too maybe, the odd car. Don’t want to move. Safe in a cosy cave. Damn tv show cutting in. Random snippets. Images of myself in heroic roles, super something or other. Hero, winner. The moment of emergence. Turn to face and suddenly far superior. Can’t sustain the glory, unless accelerating into oblivion. The birth of the cool. Sleep damn it sleep! Why does it twist and turn, tormenting, picking, whining?

He doesn’t speak the language, he holds no currency.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Again? Again? No way! Fuckers!! Where do they come from? How can they just appear? Have to find it. Lights glasses up notebook. Ok. There it is. Same damn place. Get it SMACK! missed? shit! where? look! where? no, dirt… climb. Check. No. Down low. Where? Lie on the floor. Smell. Not good. Food? Sink. What attracts them? No sign.

Turn off the light. Lie and wait. Glasses still on. It will come back. Wait. Think. Might as well think while I am waiting. It will come back. It needs blood. Why? How did they evolve thus, vampire parasites. How long do they live? Isn’t it just the females? Damn fridgebuzz is too obnoxious. Can’t hear properly. It will go off eventually. When? Could plug it out. Fridgebuzz flybuzz mentalbuzz. Chatter chatter chatter. Can I plug them out? How did it evolve? Cold blind evolution, pouring down through time the answer that is because it is. Change, test, and repeat. Define and refine and no master’s vision. Pouring down the ages. Searching. For what? No goal. Plumes of complexity flickering in infinity.

He sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinty

bzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzz

OK vampire fucker, your time has come! Switch turn see SMACK MISS! follow follow follow gone. No contrast. Too much clutter. Too much! Need. Awake again. Not letting them get me this time. Remember waking with sixteen bites? Only a month ago. Never had this at home. Where are you cursed bloodsucking fiend? Search search has to be here. Tiny tiny home. All alone. No comfort in that now. Bathroom? No. Sink, desk, window, pictures, poster, locker, wardrobe. Stand on the bed, sit on the floor- get another angle. Can’t see it. It’s somewhere.

Give up? No. Look it up. Information. Information will help. Must be a way. Know your enemy.

Plug back on. Laptop powering up. Wait for the Internet.

Mosquito. From the Spanish for little fly. The Culicidae. Disease vectors. Yellow fever, Dengue fever, Chickungunya, malaria. Only the females suck. Need it to grow eggs. Like all insects- egg larva pupa adult. Head, thorax, abdomen. Wings beating up to six hundred times a second. 1 or 2 kilometres per hour. Females live longer. Old ones are the vectors. Drink and lay and thirsty again. Five to forty days from egg to bite. Depending on conditions. Three and a half thousand types. Feed on plants too. Nectar. Nectar vector. Attracted to carbon dioxide. Octenol. Sweat. Like some people more than others. Different sweat. Sweetsweat. Mine? Their spit gets into your flesh. Causes swelling. Vampire spit. Insect spit. Thought it was piss. Is that midges? Has a load of spit proteins that screw with your immune system- stop it from reacting in time to clot and clog. Scientists trying to use it as an anti-clotting drug. Might as well. Dragonflies eat them. Some species eat other species. Eggs in any idle water. Buckets and stuff. My house is too dirty. Toilets maybe? Pipes and sinks. Insect eggs in the dregs.

Isn’t helping. At least I can call it she. She’s here somewhere, super-sensitive antenna and random flight and long legs and extended proboscis. All designed simply, symbiosis with the prey. Millions of years. How many millions in the world? Billions. Trillions? They can see me, smell me, find me. Or at least my sleeping head.

Must be. Yup. almost four. Can’t sleep. Give up. Will have a zombie day at work. Pretend I was out all night on the piss. Would have been better off. Data not helping. Might as well… clean.

Dirty kitchen dirty floor dirty sink dirty insect looking to inject my night with infected plight. Should just ignore. Lumps are small, go away fast. But that buzz. I can’t sleep with that buzz in my ear. That high tinny whine that sends my blood racing and my blinking eyes up to glasses and light and damn if I had had a better swatter I would be asleep and I need a net to go over the bed and surely they should be dead it is October after all. Years ago a Mosquito was a model plane. The Stuka was the one that whined. Airfix sticky glue fingers stuck together too little tins of enamel paint. Oh for a newly-minted mind!

Clean clean clean. Food into bag into freezer. Wrappers into plastic bag into bin. Bin full for the morning fine. Plugs and cables into drawer. Socks into washbasket. batteries into drawer. Eyes slowly sleepgathering growing mouldy old sneakers into the cupboard need to dump old scraps from the fridge Christ it’s a tiny home but it can fit an awful lot of dirt. How did it get so out of hand? A man needs a maid. Some mosquitoes eat other mosquitoes.

Finally the tv show drone has drained from my skull. late. Early. No difference now. Wave of weighty tiredness. Another. The tide finally arrives. To hell with the buzzing. I can sleep now. I can forget the million billion mosquitoes, the million billion details of life as maintenance. I can focus on nothing and let the rest of it slide.

Slidefall into bed. Duvet up around. Light outside. House half cleaned. Fice thousand miles from home. More than a mile for every damn species. More than a mile for.. every…

zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz

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Pre-match Jitters

Before the Match

It is 12:30. Three hours ahead in New Zealand it is 3:30, and counting down inexorably to a historical kick-off. Two celtic teams stand at the entrance to a sacred arena: a place in the rugby world cup semi-finals. Not since 1991 when Scotland beat Samoa was there such an opportunity. Scotland then lost to England. This could happen again, with one whole side of the knock-out draw filled with northern hemisphere teams.

So right about now the players will be entering their final preparations, and trying to get their minds into the best possible space. But what does this space look like? Is there really a ‘winning mentality’ that marks out a winner before a game has even begun.

I suspect that hindsight and the human bias to ignore statistics compel us to read history backwards as a story with a knowing author and a sensible plot.

Look at a man who spent a long life boozing and smoking but is still standing, and it is hard to remember the government warnings and sensible advice. The fact of the matter stands in front of you with a generous glass of whisky, a pack of Benson & Hedges and eighty years of history. He is a winner then, and the more rare he is, the more noticeable he is, and the more memorable an example he makes. So like a celebrating sports fan we can start out with the winners and trace backwards to find causes and purpose where maybe randomness and chance brought most of the mirth to the party.

Which leads not at all nicely back to pre-match psychology and the superstitious preparations of sporting soldiers to fortune. Does it help to visualize or build up a strict routine? In case, there is no doubt (o.k., there is acceptable doubt) that the murky mind is a tricky matter, and is susceptible to all sorts of issues that can stifle or stimulate a body. Its awareness of its own awareness is as much a curse as a blessing when it starts to second guess itself in moments of stress.

In virtually all of the bike races I attempted, I had a recurring problem before the start. I would suddenly get paranoid about racing for three hours with a full bladder and no chance of stopping. My mind amplified the worry, and hey presto! I would be stuck in the men’s room every five minutes for the half hour before the start, with glowing nerves and a second-checking tick making me check and recheck every visible variable- brake blocks, energy gels, water bottles, race number, brake blocks, energy gels…

So for even a small-scale effort the head can start to lose the run of itself, and plague the body with repeating unreasonable infatuations that resonate in a real physical way. Pressure counts. I was never alone in this pre-race routine. How do the pros deal with it, when the stakes are cut high and planted deep?

In the Beijing Olympics in 2008, a certain Usain Bolt made history by smashing world records and elevating himself to the pantheon of running greats. But one of the most marvellous aspects of his performances were his pre-race antics, and unbelievable coolness before the gun. How could he be so calm, in an Olympic final with the world watching and the fastest guys in it standing next to him? If you think about it…. ah, maybe there is the rub, not thinking. Maybe the best of the best have another super skill, and can turn off that overthinking brain before it gets in the way.

In the Art of Failure (http://www.gladwell.com/2000/2000_08_21_a_choking.htm), the human nature guru Michael Gladwell looked at the difference and significances of ‘choking’ and ‘panicking’. Panicking is where instinct takes over and a single immediate goal becomes all-important (get out get out!). Choking is when instinct is derailed and the higher-level learning mechanisms take over (Accompanied by voluble mental chatter). Both lead to failure.

Champions are marked by coolness under pressure. They neither panic or choke. In normal everyday situations we are not faced by these daemons. If we were we would have multiple nervous breakdowns every week. In sport, with everything to play for, and history to be made and the clock always counting down, it is an ever present foe, perhaps as big as the real, physical opponent.

There is just over 90 minutes left before the opening whistle. The Irish team have plenty of experience with pressure, from Heineken cup and Six Nations crunch games, and so have hopefully built up a resilience to the mental niggles that can upend confidence and cause the mind to lose faith in the body. As a team they have shown a little of the Bolt attitude in the off game snippets; cool, collected, and jocular. Their press conferences have nuggets of banter and wit. With their nicknames and jokes and the ball light-heartedness they can hopefully offset the tremendous pressures that exist in sport, especially at the higher levels, and especially in events where expectations are pitched up and a fever grips supporters and followers.

Every man, woman and child has been drafted in to swell the latest blarney army. Across the globe in every timezone, expats and gapyearers and happy travellers are looking up the kickoff time and setting their alarms. Thankfully for me Korea is only a few zones distant, and it will be an afternoon special.

Time to go, don’t want to be too late. I’m not the biggest rugby fan in the world- not because I don’t like the game, but because I never played it and don’t watch all of the games. It’s a fantastic sport, a balance between physical brawn and aggression and speed and skill. The rules are a little intricate but they allow for a controlled game with different styles.

Hopefully today, the Irish team will look like they did against Australia…. eager, together, and happy to be in the thick of it.

After the Match

Ouch.

Ouchery. Humbug and humbuggery. Over. Out. Shouldn’t read the media reports. Read them anyhow. Watched the ‘highlights’… lowlights more apt from the losing perspective. A solid first half but Wales’ defence stood firm and some crucial errors and slack tackling in the early part of the second sealed the deal. Two tries, one of them shamefully easy, put an end to the run, and the country will have to invest its interest and conversation elsewhere. A presidential election, continuing economic woes, the weather.

I was late. The bar was crowded with groups from most of the rugby-following countries, a motley crew in all sorts of colours. The game was streamed from the internet and kept freezing. When it froze people rang friends and yelled out developments. Ireland scored? It’s ten all? It’s ten all! But sadly the pop and fizz died away and the English guy who I had just met bought me a Guinness to help bring calm. And then a Jaegerbomb. And then there was some more beer and a burger and then England lost as well and France turned everything around and looked electric at times.

The English game never froze once. I left my new friend with his old friend to their consolations and headed off to find my own distractions. Nice sometimes to be able to disappear into a throng where few will know where you are from even if you tell them, if you could.

There is a Doppler effect with events like this. Slow to arrive and quick to leave. Beforehand, the build-up is intense and speculation rife. Afterwards there are curt reports, disappointed resignation and frustration that will hopefully slip away without a fanfare. Players give it their all and give it every day. Fans tune in to watch the games or highlights and are free to praise and blame. A good poker player will play with the same approach whether he is winning or losing. It is up to him or her to cope with the relevant excitement or dread that go with each. But it has to hurt… the joy of doing well is what they play for beneath it all, which they must take with pains of loss.

Did the Welsh team have a better collective mentality going into the game? Were they tempered with more stable determination? What was lacking? Was their game plan tighter?

The agony of analysis and still the suspicion that luck and chance were present and correct. This is sport.

Wales beat Ireland, who beat Australia , who beat South Africa, who beat Wales. Huh?

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Scrumble

Tilted
Hindered by passing breezes
Not trying to cause a fuss of course
Just

Sneezes
Rhythm upset
I’ll get there yet
Not trying to make a scene you know
Just

Woolgathering
Mossrolling
Dustgrowing
Oldening
Closefoldening

I’m not trying to upset anyone right now
I’m just

endlessly circling
prey that won’t die
For in the vulturesphere I must fly

mindlessly kindling
snatches of flame
not even visible in the corners of frames

a spark looks better in the dark you know
A cat or not on a tree in the woods

Those bundles of barbs you’re trundling towards… look pretty sore I’m sure

No, to tell you the truth,
the man we’re looking for is filled with restless reckless youth
Not a guilty branch tied to a tilting tree
Tooth to a string to a door
Feet nailed to the floor
Sprite sprung from a spore

Glistening with listless slivers
Hardbound with shadowed shivers
Every perceivable evil
accounted for and available by email

Supply and demand
the invisible hand
Argue till dawn
Leave it unplanned

but I
Out of steam
Did not wish to disturb the other’s order
my role just to look and learn and
rot
perhaps,
see what the others have got

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What it Means to Me

Finally started to use FruityLoops to work a bit more than vocals and acoustic into a track. Hard to keep it sounding smooth, but it does make for a far more complete sound. Here goes nothing. This is the result of a long day and then some, hopefully it has something of worth in it somewhere.

Demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/WhatItMeansToMe.mp3|titles=What it Means to Me]

As I waited to be, And I strained just to see
What it meant to me, What it means to me

As I learn from mistakes, and I see through the fakes,
The wood from the trees, the wood from the trees.

When I fall out of line, when I run out of time,
I fight with the shade, the dark and the blade.

And I guess I should know, by now how it goes,
But I’m still surprised, yeah I’m still so

Slow to, show you, why I, will try- to stay calm, heart in hand, dream of a scene where we we all understand…

I just wanted to say, that a day is a day
Too long to remain, too short to explain,

Why we fill our lives up, with distractions and stuff,
Makes no sense to me, makes no sense to me.

There is distance apart, and it drags on that heart
Do we still belong, do we still belong?

There are reasons to give, to grow wings and live,
But I’m still surprised, yes I’m still so

Slow to, show you, why I, will try- to stay calm, heart in hand, dream of a scene where I know who I am…

And with you by my side, there is no need to hide
Face up or fade out, face up or fade out.
And with you by my side, there is no need to hide
Face up or fade out, face up or phase out.
And with you by my side, there is no need to hide
Face up or fade out, face up or phase out.
And with you by my side, there is no need to hide
capo 3rd.
C and F for verse with melody played on chords

Am F E7 G7 for chorus

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Not so Different

demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/talkAboutDifferences.mp3|titles=Not so Different]

we’re not so different, we’re not so far apart
so long to the old city, we long for a new start

where there are open spaces, to swing an idle thought
where we can feel the future, and let ourselves get caught

in currents of emotion, away from roads on rising hills
there we will not force things, predictably surprising thrills

that pick us from the office, and shoot us to the stratosphere
ther air is hard to breathe but, I feel a purity up here

Among the awkward moments, between the fallings out
we’re not so different, we have so much to talk about

talk about home, talk on our own, talk about home, talk about having to go

we’re not so different, we all start off the same
the paths we took diverged but, the principles remain

I see your hand and raise it, No bluffs beyond this deal
the lines we crossed have made their, marks along the time we steal

away from every waking hour, in every sleepy day
I find a secret message, in which you seem to say

we’re not so different, when you look past the doubt
if we can make an effort, we can begin to talk about
talk about home, talk on our own, talk about hope, talk about…

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Pep Talk (Summertime)

Aimless, thoughtless, unbounded, loosened, ragged… Blast!
Gurgling loops, round and round and each curve a little more eroded.
No, you are dreaming of entropy again!
What is the use?
Oh, so that is what you are asking?
Is there another?
There are always others.
Hmmmm, it has seemed clearer. But that first stinging rebuttal comes from within, and then echoes out and back and resonates with that silly organ that should know better.

Tomorrow you will try again
I am tired of trying, it gets me nowhere
It gets you up in the morning
Well why should I bother?
Because if you try then you can, even if you fail.
Can fail?
Failure is what exactly? What is success? In either case you will not know it or settle there, that is squalor. What is always successful? Failure is part of success, and success failure.
But…
Don’t start… No, do start.
I will try
Of course you will… But you must try harder.
I will try harder.
Try harder.
content calm courage

Sloppy recording #88

Name: Summertime
Crappy Demo: [audio:http://donakello.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/summertime.mp3|titles=Summertime]

Oh the hits are coming and the hits are deep
And they won’t stop coming when the hill’s this steep.
And you want to make amends for eh things that you wish you’d never done.
But the spin that you’re in will refuse to be still for anyone.

Won’t leave for summertime is only round the bend
Don’t leave for summertime is surely not the end- surely not the end for us.

The days are longer and your skin is burned.
All your belongings have been returned.
Oh the Sun in the sky is a chemical high.
And we learn what we found is a necessary high.

Won’t leave for summertime is only round the bend
Don’t leave for summertime is surely not the end- surely not the end for us.

And your 3 chord trick- it will never stick
Though the mood you exude is so real and thick.
Because your great big plans have crashed to the land.
And the twists and the turns are out of your hands.

Won’t leave for summertime is only round the bend
Don’t leave for summertime is surely not the end- surely not the end for us.

Oh the hits are coming and the hits are deep,
And the time for running has run out of steam.
You wait so long that your dreams will freeze,
Now the gates are closing with mechanical ease.

Won’t leave for summertime is only round the bend
Don’t leave for summertime is surely not the end- surely not the end for us.

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Reboot, Reload, Repeat

why is it easier to come up with a new tune than to make an old one better and why do they start to sound the same if you come up with a lot? I need some new dimensions in these tunsions.
el demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/reboot.mp3|titles=reboot]

Tinsel minstrels battle cries
Long term loans short term highs
Rolling rolling rolling rolling now
Hear my message, hear it clear
Not ready to disappear
Going going going going down

Comes in waves swamps our lives random acts no surprise to me

Selfish instinct keeps us tight
Some momentum through tonight
Open open open open wide
Wait your turn, case adjourned
Freely wander through the world
Flowing flowing flowing underground

Hand in hand age to age wind that blows turns the page you see

Wired together hand to foot
Stormy weather in the gut
Holding holding holding holding out
Scorn yourself and look away
Who do you want to be today?
Rolling rolling rolling rolling on

Street wise sharp eyes quick tongue slick lies
Lose your way pay off your own spies maybe
Comes in waves and swamps our lives
These random acts are no surprise to me

Don’t understand the master plan oh no
Don’t have a clue, what should I do oh no
Don’t feel the same, no proper aim, to go.

chords: capo 2nd
Em d7 c7
0 5 3
0 7 5
0 6 3
2 7 5
2 5 3
0 x x

chorus=
a7 c7 d7 c7 d7
0
2
0
2
0
x

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Deserting the Circus

demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/desertion.mp3|titles=Deserting the Circus]

Hungry hunter hot on your heels, money no good for whatever he steals.
Wait now for the moment to come, knots that they tied all coming undone.

I ‘d rather get up, I’d rather get out, I’d rather stay quiet, i’d rather not shout-
See all these obstacles barriers bone diggers,
Break up the show sitting swearing at those who will

Keep all your money, and reap what you sowed,
Will the last man out make sure the doors are all closed?

Soldier of pieces up to no good, holding fig leaves to his peers in the hood.
Ears of the people borrowed and bought,
Lies from the corner of a hypocrite’s mouth.

Need to stay put, need to stay in,
Need to say stop, acknowledge the stink
Politics, dirty tricks, underhand shit that sticks,
Maybe it’s gonna change not if they rearrange

All of the choices, the unpaid invoices,
Will the last man out, kill all the light switches?

Media circus whipping the crowd, vultures in circles close to the ground.
Business as usual closing us down again,
Inverted perspectives in smiles see a frown within.

Harbour the anger, thoughts all at sea, The motives of managers hoping to flee.
Fail to makes sense of the density incensed we, try to take flight with our wings set alight

Throwing us money, now teach us to beg, the last one out is the rotten egg.

Embers of enmity openings offerings
Positive punitives using them bruising in
Taking a side or too finding you hide the view.
Focus on riding the waves and remaining (true)

(True) to your principles that turned upside down when
The circus is empty, who needs a clown?

capo 2nd, Em A7… C Bm C D

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Swell

Swell hell unforgiving unbidden
The anchor drags along the sea floor, fish scattering and sand billowing.
Deep peace in the dark depths disturbed.
Chase up along the wire coils and then bow and boat and wave crests thudding below a rumbling sky.
Black clouds snigger as they race each other and dump down heavy bands of rain, a black backdrop to the savage sparks of intermittent lightening, a malevolent canvas for the raps and rumblings of air ripped and torn.

This is no place to stop, no welcomes in this dream.
I toss and turn, mind caught like a fish on a glistening steel hook, the barb embedded and stubborn. Tiredness and turmoil wrestle in the night, my body frozen somewhere between awareness and chaos. Feedback loops- those damn feedback loops! Weapons that are their own ammunition, a thought that is the very idea of itself, a symmetry turned in, a pulse that grows on its own signal, growing to the edge of sense and pushing out the boundaries. Curves and circles, great rolling systems unfolding over vast distances… the empty space between the smallest particles, empty but filled, mysterious in any scale but the thin strand in which we momentarily stand.

It is to these random destinations that the mind left to wander will find itself. The expanding balloon scraping its own edges, considering the scale of zero and infinity in one moment, an expanse of every possibility, but devoid of actual shapes. Try counting sheep.. sheep sheep sleep.

No time to wallow in the art of being dislocated. Disband and unite untie the ego and watch it float downstream, turn to leave but see it ahead again, more circles sending it back with a cunning knowing gaze… Ok ok, I do not believe that I can be rid of you, but you can’t call the shots. I ponder my triangle, of Content, Courage, and Calm, a simple trinity that doesn’t demand much more than effort.

Ah, what point, none coming. Even it it were there in the boggy soil, even it were dug out by calloused hands and sinewy arms, and cleaned off with generous care, and taken to the centre of a small obedient town and looked at there- even then, it would be misrepresented, mistaken, misplaced….

Sand falling through fingers, gravity’s consistent desire, layers and layers below my vacant musing, the mumblings of electrons, half arsed but willing to work as specified. Maybe tomorrow sheer boredom will provoke a quantum revolution. Energy and mass and motion, in time, are time, no existence without change, but no good in hammering too long on those doors- they only lead to more edges, more entrances.

A good word hurled, history books the filtered remnants of millions of newspapers, the confusing exposition of exponential growth. Information and more of it, expansion until overcrowded, supply and demand and a million equilibriums. Homus Economicus, unswervingly rational, but still regarded as a hearted being, but where can mind be without close behind, the flow of blood and the beat of an irregular balance? Bodies in rhythm, resonating like trees on a stormy day near a lake in the west…. and that is what you are looking at. I came, I saw, I photographed.

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To Slowly Grow

demo: [audio:http://donakello.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/toSlowlyGrow.mp3|titles=To Slowly Grow]

Waiting, waiting again. Way in, still in to begin.
Stranded, abandoned by fate. Handed, my papers too late.

Wandered into the wilderness, lost my compass and my map.
From point to point I must impress, the scale of things, the beat i tap,
The feet i track.

Patience, a virtue indeed. Courage, to win or concede.
Nonsense, around us so deep, Promises that noone hopes to keep.

Contradictions will abound, the roaring crowd are following the sound.
Below, the ground above the topsy turvy tears are borrowed
From love

Wasted, with values intact. A generation missed out on the act.
Dangling, my dearest and me, Hanging now to see what we will see.

Life’s decisions torn asunder, is it any wonder that we
Leave a sinking ship behind, in fever’s dreams no peace of mind
No calm to find.

Crazy, crazy to stop, Heartbeats rhytmic like a clock.
Someday, will surely arrive. Right now, we must survive.

Life together, life apart, is it a job is it an art?
Confidence held by a thread, maybe time to fill the gaps
Slowly growing sharply fall, from heights we thought we’d seen it all.
Come crumbling down around us now once bitten twice too shy instead
To clear our heads.


chords
C Am
F G C Cm? Am
F G C Cm? Am G

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Effortless

demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/effortless.mp3|titles=Effortless]

You make it look so easy, you make it seem so effortless,
Forget all the rest.

Hopes willing hearts desiring, go filling up with rising sun-
The only one.

Time’s shackles tied to our souls, sworn to surrender all our softly
gained remains and our goals .

When it rains it pours down here, i don’t care as long as you are near,
And we can go.

Come back now, come back again- Don’t leave don’t turn away for them.

You make it look so easy, you make it seem so effortless,
I can only guess

The morning sky is calling, Tomorrow’s promise falling down-
We hang around

Left chasing meaning wheeling, around your stealing eyes drawn in,
Now and then

I feel my heart grow lazy, it makes my head so crazy full-
Don’t want to be dull

Come back now, come back again- Don’t leave don’t turn away for them.

you make it look so easy, you make it seem so effortless…

When the sun breaks through the cloud, I need you to be around to see,
And feel the glow.

Come back now, come back again- Don’t leave don’t turn away for them.

capo 5th fret
verse C F
chorus G7 C

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Flux Internal

demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/flux2.mp3|titles=Flux Intrernal]

The storm around us grows, the window shakes, the curtains blow
In a flash I see a pale reflection
A bolt of blue lights up the room, and raps of thunder beat their tune
In a dash I aim in your direction
And suddenly it all subsides, we re-emerge from where we hide
And count our blessing ready for inspection

It goes before you understand it, flows off before your very eyes.
Who knows when we will be demanded, to tell a story without lies?

The world around us shows, that nothing lasts, it passes, goes,
And in the moment savour imperfection
Your touch is sweet, your vision true, but like the weather changes too.
I chase your gale with sails made for defection.
And soon it all comes crumbling down, the pillars fall and crack my crown
Come closer still, until you you feel protected.

It fades away to quick to question, finds new suspects to invade.
Someone must go forward for election, so we can go back voting for charades.

Too stupid to admit our fate, we start out early finish late.
Immersed in currents filled with first impressions.
Too arrogant to stop and wait, we lock the doors and bolt the gates,
In moulds formed from our first confessions.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re with me, sometimes I wonder if you’re gone.
Burning candles in the raining season, turning handles here for far too long.

It goes before you understand it, flows off before your very eyes.
Who knows when we will be demanded, to tell a story without lies?

le chords: verse, Bm A G F#7. chorus, Bm G A D, Bm G A F#7

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I am Not Me

demo:[audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/IAmNotMe.mp3|titles=I Am Not Me]

Angels aimed at peoples, catching off the steeples with their eyes
Turned to face the truth but it is racing for the sunset from the lies

I tried to make a difference, but the only good is riddance from your hold
I walked along the river banks, until i fell with shivers of the cold

I am not me, i did not know, i was not fully in control
I waited for a chance to take. i wasted time for no one’s sake

And now I, feel the light of sunshine, penetrate my mind with brighter hues
So i kneel under its glare, and in the honest open air I pay my dues

But harboured in my doubt my senses spin their way about from side to side
And fighting to get out my reasons need a broader order to confide

I am not me, i did not know, i was not fully in control
I waited for a chance to take. i wasted time for no one’s sake

And so I packed my bags and left town with ambitions to expect a path away
With weary with emotions searched for calming soothing lotions every day

But rest assured i am not cured, its human to be striving and to fail
Start again tomorrow with a fresher mind to aim into the pale.

I am not me, i did not know, i was not fully in control
I waited for a chance to take. i wasted time for no one’s sake

capo 3
Am F E7
Am F G E7

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Content

And now he was flying, content
pouring from his mind
through his fingers
into a void

and there, late at night
aimed at the dawn
pouring from his soul,
to no-one at all

in a state so rehearsed
from the previous verse
he shakes with some vigour
and coughs out a curse

oh I could have awoken
At that moment of might
But wrapped up in dreams arms
Walked out of the night

And now what comes out is lost
Because the audience is lost too,
In the infinity of the search
the search for what to find

such keywords and clear words and fear’s words
bandied about, into the fire, clear as day, vague as a mouth
the shadow of the night on the day, cast long and lazy
like a fly from a rod into a cool lake on a fresh day

The audience is waiting
The audience is lost
We are all in the the front row
And at such a cost

Can’t put a finger on
A dangerous machine
Can’t get a grip on
A freedom so mean

Seven million souls
Or spiritual holes
Placeholders for statistics
Consumers of loaves

How much love can they generate
Is it balanced by hate
And confined in our quarters
We all have to wait.

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Here, or hardly, or highly

a little bit vague no? water calm and soft and a slight blue in the last evening of the year, dog racing from pier to random pier, chasing birds or shadows. So it silently slid by, and what little space is left to grip and drag sheetlike to cover out the draughts. The year is out, but surely just an arbitrary shell of a thing, an organizational accident. We have to start counting somewhere. But we have to stop too, and no less arbitrary, and no less the other queues of random chosen alternatives. Had to pick some starting point, doesn’t mean it means nothing.

Hmmm. Look forward or look back? Look in or look out? Not a big fan of endings, but nothing wrong with beginnings. The year has been a game of snakes and ladders, ups and downs, nothing dramatic but some interesting incidents. Now with finances depleted, and a feeling that repetition may grow to be a difficult foe, there is a need to face forward, as usual and move on.

Truth be told, every new year feels like deja Vu. The same beginning again. If I could finally define the aims then maybe I could achieve them. But I cannot become bogged down in fatalism or grind to a halt finding futility in the tinyness of all things. Hmmm, I propose an intention to at least try, to find in myself the idea of life as a challenge, not to overcome but to experience in different forms. And maybe somewhere my ego will wander off screen and let the rest of us get on with it.

Happy new year!!!!!

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Feel

Demo:[audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Feel.mp3|titles=Feel]

Pages unturned, prayers unheard,
Of nature’s way with broken words.
Worth pennies or pounds, you’re buying rounds,
For everyone, for everyone
Again

Long distance line, all doing fine
Head held aloft when connections are dropped
Go about days in a distracted haze
And on again, and on again

And
You don’t feel like you are there
You don’t feel right if you care

Lessons unlearned, honours unearned
The random encounters that reinforce doubters
In faith and in self, in sickness and health
Of everyone, of everyone
Within

Half a world out, we still have a shout
Of saving the trip and making it fit,
In shapes and in shades, this whole damn parade
Goes on again, goes on again

And
You don’t feel like you are there
You don’t feel right if you care

chords: well, there's a D, then a C, then a G. how inventive 🙂

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Restless Runaway, Recover!

Restless gestures, patterns unfolding, spikes and holes in patches and rows, a scaled terracced surface that sends you into convulsions of compulsive repulsion.

It is one of the gaps, and you are on the edge, and the wild wind blows hard at your back, and your feet unsteady with toes hanging over that distant ugly bottom, and you should not be here.
But that is how you recover, you must stand and wait till it passes. It will blow over and you will forget.

Social contortion. Words rattling like a bag of bones between your eyes and ears. You are awake, and you are up, but only because your bed offers little repose or calm. Here, you exclaim, is a comedown, some negative space. Here, a tangled mess of wires and string, wound in and out like a kaleidoscope of Celtic runes. And of course the inside of your skull is likewise runed, engraved with the scratching of many infernal processes, bubbling away from hour to hour, overloading their buffers and spewing mental ash like a field of pus volcanoes. But this is how you recover.

Far from the weightless glimpses of purity, days can drag and moan and howl like a stubborn wind pulling at the landscape. These are places you have to pass through to find your way, and best not to pause for too long in their barren and eaten gorges. For the mind will not sit still, will feed of its surroundings, and will grow thin and starved from consecutive courses of stony views and torturous ideas. Come, move on!

Upwards, you lift that sagging weight, and strain to take its load, Sisyphus merged with Atlas, straining to move an inch. But you know the weight is a dream, and like all dreams gone sour will consume every idea of recognition and multiply the fears that go with it. So this is where you are at- amplifying negative vibes and retreating from corner to corner pulling a legion of burdens, belligerent invented burdens. But this, of course, is how you recover.

Slowly the day will lift. Slowly, the eyelids raise and an odd spark of light seeps in. Somewhere a radio finds enough time between ads to send out a tinny trebly song on its little speakers. Somewhere you pass a busy crowd and forget where you were headed, scanning the faces and the fashions and the poses and the cuts of their jibs, set straight against the wind and tied fast, moored to the wind and marooned by spiralling seas.

And eventually, your consciousness shifts gears and ascends momentarily above the dirt and grit and bedevilled detail, and the compulsive clattering of paranoid patterns becomes a background hum, white noise hissing like the beginning of the universe on your tv, an ignorable profundity of your basic physics. Now you are fully booted, and your processor is buzzing with some latent vigour and your laces are tied and your jacket is high-collared and zipped up. Your afterburners are ready to engage and your foot rests easy on the throttle, the traffic in front finally starting to clear and the ringing of phones dissipating.

Music, easing in to your ken, taking hold, stemming the swell of edges, rising from a soft murmur to a persistent grip, taking hold and pushing forward, animating the shapes and boundaries that it finds.

And you, thinking you had finished, restless runaway. Recover! You focus your mind on itself, arch it back in an awkward loop, bend it down and aim it inwards, immerse your feeble logic in the flow of guts and intentions. Body and will, on its way. In these roofless rooms there is plenty of space to wander. But nothing here is solid. Everything is process, every idea subject to the idea of ideas and on and on, every thought a possible subject for the next. And how then to find a passage under the eyes upon you, that has soma manner of meaning and some trace of intention?

The lake it froze, but it will melt. What was liquid is solid, but not for long. Now you can step off the shore and turn on it, what was once a boundary is now just another place to stand. There will not be many chances to be there, standing on the 4 inches of ice surveying the piers and shore and frosted trees, and you strain to tune into a sense of significance, strain to apply some gauze of purpose and consolidation to the moment and the paths that lead to it and from it, past and future mingling, and you carrying the heaviest stones you can find and hurling them onto the cold lake’s winter skin, just to see how thick, how deep, how satisfying the sound.

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Are you there?

demo: [audio:http://donalkelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/WereYouThere.mp3|titles=Are You There]
So you’re deeply seeking to keep awake,
Because your dreams are making your days’ life seem fake
And you’re disillusioned about all that you have,
In the eyes of others you see someone mad.

And are you there waiting for me?

In this time that we find ourselves we fail to make sense,
Of the changes arranging our present tense.
And rapidly distracted from the task at hand,
Coming back to me in actions from a distant land.

And are you there, waiting for me?
Across virtual oceans and the real-life sea,
Are you there waiting for me?

I confess my ignorance as a daily prayer-
It is the only offering that I frequently dare.
But out there somewhere in the guise of a muse,
Is the mind over matter that is choosing to choose.

And are you there waiting for me?
Over virtual oceans over rolling seas,
What is now was and will ever be,
But are you there, waiting for me?

My blind spot it cuts out the truth of the light
And a black hole with no soul has swallowed the night.
The stars are aligned there to promise I’ll get,
But I know not myself so I still say not yet.

And were you there, waiting for me?
When I turned on the world and tried to force myself free
From the loss and the love that was patiently there
Without insult the injured showed us how to care
And you were there, waiting for me.

chords: Em G D C
and G C Bm C D G C G for chorus

Posted on

As a matter of fact the wheels have stopped

Night, slouched around the house
Well fed fire, glowing in the stove,
Machines, humming low on standby.
I sit and wait and watch in the in-between hours.

Tomorrow will hardly bring answers,
But will at least offer new hopes of recovery,
And every morning the bandages are changed,
the cuts cleaned and washed,
But still searing with a sharp sting.

Too long in this position,
Face to screen and the world behind,
But what was I to do and what are we to do?
What is there left outside for use to find?

Virtual living, and always close to the power,
And batteries fading by the hour.
And the harshest critic ready to strike,
Sword raised high above head,
And how could one continue as such…

But there may be a way between the reeds,
Where the water is not so deep or cold,
Where maybe years ago we too could play,
And dream of being old.

Ah, at this stage,
And on it too- the stage,
With sticks to break
And rattles to cage.

But yet I cannot rattle off those verses,
that might have laid clarity on diverse happenings,
and given a sense of certainty, to the midwives and hearses,
and humbled men in heaps, piercing their private hearts,
and not just agonized the senses, with vague promises of art.

Oh, if I could weave them dense,
and draw them down like fog,
to settle heavy on your brow,
and cloud your thoughts within.

And oh, if I could then have stood aloof,
And sacrificed some ardent gain,
To sit cross-legged at your feet,
And indulge in poor love’s pain.

Maybe that is why I tried to find,
A high ground where many roads are seen,
And instead of picking one,
I went higher still, and still and still,
Till all things grew tiny and remote, and yet
I could not get my fill.
I could not fill my hall,
with tasteful furniture,
without dying somewhere somehow,
at the end of it all.

Now such ramblings are not much use,
Such stumblings not much good,
No gambling more obtuse,
No mumblings when I should,
Be counting blessings and striking forth.

As a matter of fact the wheels have stopped,
The windows closed, the doors are locked,
And in between the shafts of light,
Some idle thoughts pass through the night.

And only so to calm the mind,
So absent pains stay ill-defined.